Telepromptya – a technological cheat sheet for dumbasses Republicans


McCain trying to avoid a punch thrown by \

As noticed by many observers, during the last presidential debate, the Democratic candidate seemed rational, giving real world answers to questions, while his opponent was lost in thought, uttering platitudes and generalizations to real-life problems (i.e. “we’re the best innovators, we’re the best producers” and how “we will succeed and we will bring our troops home with honor and victory and not in defeat”).

Telepromptya - the image makerA Silicon Valley company – iWear – quietly issued a press release this week, as a means of explanation. “The reason John McCain waxed poetically about seemingly random non sequitors in the last debate is due to a new technology that we created. Entitled Telepromptya, this device is a surgical contact lens implant that is grafted to the wearer’s corneas. Then, from a remotely controlled wi-fi device – like an iPhone – users can project teleprompted text and other related images onto the surface of the eye. If done properly, this device can inspire and help set tones and subtleties in speeches and debates…even for presumably losing candidates.”

As an example, the company notes that Sarah Palin used it in the Vice Presidential debate, in order not to fail as spectacularly as she did during candid (and non-teleprompted) interviews with Katie Couric and Charles Gibson. “They call it ‘gotcha journalism’ but really it was because we were still perfecting the device,” Abi Normal, CEO of iWear noted. “We had endless loops and null divisions – it was a mess. When we tried it out on a second tester – Tina Fey for her SNL skit – we reran the same software version. The effect, while still way off, was uncanny.”

“We finally had to do a complete rebuild, in order to get basic functionality…and that’s what Sarah ran with for the VP debate – the basic version” added Mr. Normal.

In the case of John McCain, a special image set was created, with images of waving flags and George Washington crossing the Delaware projected onto his retinas. This allowed the Republican candidate to wax even more poetically (and jingoistically) for nearly twenty minutes during the last debate:

“That’s what America’s all about. I believe in this country. I believe in its future. I believe in its greatness. It’s been my great honor to serve it for many, many years…I like grandmothers and baseball and puppies and apple pie. I like puppy pie, too, and grandmothers hitting home runs while Washington cuts down cherry trees and vows never to tell a lie…

John McCain shrugging aside coherence for senility

Future revisions of Telepromptya include the following preset themes:

  • Sarah Palin draped in an American Flag (and nothing else) – NOTE: this model has already been pre-ordered by millions of Republican men in the US
  • Images of Barack Obama on the campaign trail with text from JFK’s “Ich Bin Ein Berliner” speech
  • Images of Fred Thompson’s Hollywood roles and character, with the abridged text from Camus’ The Plague