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Just in time for Thanksgiving, we received this Palin-drone update:

Federal prosecutors, after learning about the Palin-drone conspiracy (as reported here first on yooryoo), have quietly been deployed, “terminating” the pesky robotic drones before they could cause further havoc on American politics. The tenacious Mainstreet Media has picked up on this story, albeit falsely, reporting that the Republican party is “reforming” itself (rather than eliminating the top drones from their leading ranks).

A new viral video sweeping the internet shows photographic evidence that one outlier in the Palin-drone community (namely, its namesake) has not been exterminated, but rather reprogrammed, and is now insensitive to death of any kind.

In 1942, Isaac Asimov defined the three commutable laws of robots:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Obviously, these rules do not apply to turkeys (and Palin-drones). Chechit: at 1:19, the reporter talks about “state programs being on the chopping block” as the guy in the background places the turkey’s head into the chopper. In fact throughout the video, you can see Sarah Palin’s obvious disregard for the carnage played out behind her…

This Thansgiving season, be mindful of the Palin-drones in your neighborhoods. And have a safe holiday!

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In a surprising career turn, Sarah Palin - in the midst of her hectic talk-show circuit - announced this week that she will be launching her very own online shopping and auction site. Tentatively entitled YouBetcha.com, the site will feature name-brand clothing and other items at discount pricing, available for direct sale or for auction, “eBay-style”.

Clothing from Nieman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue and even Walmart will be offered at 50%, 60%, even 70% off list pricing. In addition, a number of “slightly used snow machines” and a variety of 2008 political merchandise will be immediately posted to the site at cut rates.

Further negotiations are underway to acquire a number of household items - at bargain-basement prices. When reached for comment, Sen. Ted Stevens indicated he had no knowledge of such transactions. “Take me to court if you want to prove anything,” he added, eluding further questions.

Expected to cause quite a stir with online shoppers in the holiday season, Palin will formally launch the site during her appearance on The View this week, along with a strong Search Engine Marketing push later this month.

“A lot of people have been telling me that I have strong competition from Amazon,” Palin stated, “But I know that’s gotcha-marketing…the Amazon’s in the country of Africa, which is far from the Alaskan Tundra where I’m at…I can’t even see it from here!”

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Senator Ted Stevens is the latest fallout from the discovery of Palin-drones in our nation’s government. Last week, Sen. Stevens - from Alaska - was convicted on corruption charges stemming from over $250,000 in home renovations (along with a massage chair, dog…).

Yet, begging incredulity, at this writing, Sen. Stevens might be possibly re-elected in Alaska, making him the only sitting Senator to be a convicted felon. How could that be? The answer is simple -  Senator Ted Stevens is (yes, you guessed it!) a Palin-Drone (remember Palin-drones?)!!!

That’s where Emmit comes in…Emmit is a Blade Runner (made famous by the movie of the same name). His old job was to retire Replicants; now he retires Palin-Drones. Having been appointed a US District Court Judge, Emmit was assigned to the Senator’s case:

Bryant: I need ya, Ems. This is a bad one, the worst yet. I need the old blade runner, I need your magic.

Emmit: [narrating] They don’t advertise for killers in the newspaper. That was my profession. Ex-cop. Ex-blade runner. Ex-killer. Now, I’m just a judge taking down “Palin-drones”…

Emmit could stand the reversals on political viewpoints, even reversals in voting, but what he couldn’t stand by to watch was a rogue Palin-Drone, seemingly in it just for the graft: Senator Ted Stevens. What follows is testimony from last week’s closing deliberations in the Sen. Stevens trial:

U.S. District Judge Emmit Sullivan: [Emmet explains to Ted why he can't extend his Senate term] The facts of life… to make an alteration in the specifics of an organic legal system is fatal. A coding sequence cannot be revised once it’s been established.
Ted Stevens:Why not?
U.S. District Judge Emmit Sullivan: Because by the second day of deliberation, any Palin-Drones that have undergone reversion mutation give rise to revertant colonies like rats leaving a sinking ship; then the ship sinks.
Ted Stevens:What about EMS recombination?
Emmit: We’ve already tried it - abuse of power, voter tampering, looking the other way while an American city drowns as an alkalating agent and potent mutagen; it created a virus so lethal the subject was dead before it even left the table.
Stevens: Then a repressor protein; that would block the operating Palin-Drones.
Emmit: Wouldn’t obstruct replication, but it does give rise to an error in replication so that the newly formed DNA strand carries with it a mutation, and you’ve got a virus again… but this, all of this is academic. You were made as well as we could make you.
Stevens: But not to last.
Emmit: The light that burns twice as bright burns for half as long - and you have burned so very, very brightly, Ted. Look at you, you’re a US Senator; you’re quite a prize.
Stevens: I’ve done… questionable things.
Emmit: Also extraordinary things; revel in your time.
Stevens: Nothing the God of biomechanics wouldn’t put you in heaven for.

As of this writing, Senator Ted Stevens has still eluded being “retired” by Emmit - or as Emmit put it “He went rogue on us…just like that hot chick that ran for VP - and I don’t mean Darryl Hannah.” The Palin-drone Stevens remains on the loose, dangerous, and defiant.

When attempted to reach for comment, Sarah Palin was busy on the phone: presumably talking to the heads of foreign countries… (Audio here)

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In this particular heated election year, a rise of online political polling has spread like a virus on the internet. At any given count, there are hundreds…yea, thousands…of online political polls dedicated to parsing numbers and voters, left and right, depending on how the wind blows.

Along with the rise of these polls, came the rise of political polling techniques - opinion polling, early voting polling, phone call polling, online popularity polls. Every major news organization - and even Fox News - has created their own polling techniques, not to mention fancy electronic boards to display their information in their news casts.

To that end, ostensibly, Picken & McCracken, leading researchers and statisticians (famous for their recent study that 67% of all web statistics are made up on the spot) have applied a Noble-prize winning technique and weighed in on the latest political polls.

Using state-of-the-art techniques, Picken & McCracken have employed, phones, cell-phones, email, Facebook, Twitter, IM and a host of other online techniques, and reached out to virtually every American in a short period of time. They compiled their results and just published their latest election poll numbers:

• 97% of all Americans have never participated in any election poll
• Of those 97% of people, 73.4% of them responded to Picken and McCracken’s poll and their first statement was “Oh crap… now I participated in a poll. Can I switch sides?”
• 13% of all American can’t make simple decisions like: skim milk or cream in my coffee, Subway or Quiznos for lunch, should I take Sally to dance class or Billy to practice? Inevitably, these same 13% are found right in front of you in the checkout lane at the supermarket
• States like Ohio are virtually split 50/50 with every decision they have to make (Picken brought up the 2005 Ohio Baskin Robbins “Chocolate or Vanilla” vote, in which “Chocolate” won by 3 votes)
• While Politicians focus on certain states to statistically win Electoral Votes like Ohio, Florida, and this year, Pennsylvania and Colorado, voters in those non “swing states” have a more enjoyable TV viewing experience, not having to ignore campaign commercials

Upon its release today, this study is expected to change the political polling landscape today. When asked for it’s impact, most major news outlets dismissed the study by stating: “You can’t believe those polls, anyway…now, back to our latest poll results…”

Meanwhile, the US Voters are nonplussed.

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Happy Friday! In today’s Friday Fishwrap we’ll share with you the results of last Sunday’s “Is It Real?” vote, and since voting is on everyone’s mind, our viral video this week is of GW Bush endorsing the McCain/Palin ticket.

First up, last Sunday we presented a social networking application designed to help lawyers network with one another, share tactics over virtual “water coolers” and generally interact with one another. With close to 150,000 lawyers, LegalForce promises to be the hottest social networking app for legal eagles…and then we asked if it was real. Here are the results of the poll:

• 50% of you thought it was real
• 25% said no
• 25% said maybe

After a slight recess, the jury has returned with this verdict: yes, indeed LegalForce is a real social networking application. C’mon, they have social networking sites dedicated to virtually everything - are you surprised?

Speaking of surprise, did you catch Will Ferrill making a guest appearance on Saturday Night Live: Thursday Update yesterday? He shared the stage with the brilliant Tina Fey…in a spot called “George W. Bush endorses McCain/Palin” - watch the video below - and enjoy your Friday!

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In partnership with the new T-Mobile G1 Phone is one of the first open source applications built exclusively for the so-called “gPhone” - and just in time for the presidential election. While this new cell phone from Google (aka “the Android”)has  dubbed the “iPhone killer” and alternately the “Blackberry killer,” (in some circles, called the “McCain killer” in reference to the Republican Presidential nominations’ PR gaffe stating that the Senator invented the ubiquitous Blackberry).

“Grok the vote” (GTV) is the new G1 Phone application that monitors social networking sites such as MySpace and FaceBook in an attempt to determine your voting preferences automatically.

Every time a G1 phone user enters or updates their social networking profile through the phones interface, “Grok the Vote” gathers a listing of your preferences, including your music tastes (or lack thereof), books you’ve read (or censor), groups you belong to (or hate) and even the types of friends your connect to - all in attempt to “grok” your vote.

Do you have a video post of “I got a crush…on Obama” by the Obama Girl? Well, that’s an easy algorythm - one vote for Obama!

How about if you are part of the Facebook group for John McCain? One vote for McCain!

If you want to censor books in public and school libraries, support a plan for oil drilling in Alaska without considering the economic trama and the environmental destruction that it would cause, support abstinence only sex education, believe that Creationism should be taught in public schools, regardless of religion, support the National Rifle Association- but not the restriction of guns from known criminals, oppose same sex marriage or any sort of health benefits for same sex couples, oppose the listing of Polar Bears on the Endangered Species Act, do not believe that Global Warming is caused by human activity, and are against all forms of abortion, even in the case of rape or incest victims, then McCain it is!

GTV was introduced to combat the vast morass of voter apathy. In the last November election, voter turnout was estimated at 39%. What about the 61% of the rest? I mean, is that really a Democracy? Does that qualify for a mandate of the American people? 39%? I mean, c’mon!

Yet, popularity of social networking sites are at an all time high! Hence - “Grok the vote” to the rescue!!!

Once a person downloads and runs the GTV open source application on their new G1 phone, Google subtly adds a User Licencing Agreement which indicates that users agree that their vote will be cast, depending on the conclusion GTV draws from the “grokking” their Social Networking sites.

Definition from Wikipedia:
Grok is a word invented by science fiction author Robert A. Heinlein, first used in the 1961 novel Stranger in a Strange Land.

To grok is to share the same reality or line of thinking with another physical or conceptual entity.

When asked about those that do not display any online preferences, the makers of GTV replied: “Well, those votes would automatically go to the Democratic candidate. We do this in an effort to combat the known Diebold voting machine bias towards conservative presidential candidates. This is also to combat the seemingly inbred tendency for liberal infighting, such as Ralph Nader pulling votes from John Kerry in 2004, and the conspicuous silence from Hillary Clinton post-Obama nomination.”

But, recently Bush was heard saying (while he thought he was off-mike):

Well, those f–kers can do any dang thang they want y’all, the die bold guy sez they’ll still deliver that geezer, and the second run beauty queen.”

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Let’s face it - death is inevitable. According to the latest study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, 99.97% of all people will experience death in some form or another. And with morbidity as such a chronic condition facing most people, online web 2.0 denizens have left behind messy trails of online postings, Twitter updates and photos.

Traditionally, these “expired” posts would remain online, stagnant and unchanging, until some tenacious reporter would highlight them in the press (usually in a morbid or tragic way), or some webmaster would delete the account for inactivity. Until now - introducing Sickr, and automated service that archives online personas after real-life people pass to the other side.

“It’s amazing how seamless this is,” describes the founder Kirk D’Bucket, “once a person in RL dies, it initiates an automated process which rolls through most major government agencies - the Motor Vehicle Department, Social Security Administration and the IRS. Sickr taps into that process feed, and  aggregates this notification out to all major social networks - FriendFeed, MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn, Google FriendConnect, Twitter, etc.” 

These online records are then passed, through OpenID, open-source platforms, to a designated “final resting place” on Sickr. All status are changed automatically to “expired” or “cease to exist” and little black x’s are Photoshopped over the individual’s eyes.

In a surprising mash-up, online “makeup artist” MyFacelift has been contracted to give these cold, lifeless online profiles one last makeover.

“Sickr is great,” commented Charleze Beezle, a 26 year old member of MySpace, “I kept IM’ing my ex and he never responded. I was beginning to think that he wasn’t interested in me anymore…and then I received a notification from Sickr, that indicated he died more than two weeks ago. Needless to say, I was relieved…I was beginning to think that it was me!”

While transferring “dead” online accounts to Sickr is provided free of charge, they have already introduced a premium service in an effort to monetize their business model.

“For people experiencing a fatal disease or simply for family members of elderly online denezins, they can sponsor a “Final Resting Place” on Sickr,” explains Kirk D’Bucket, “the final destinations would be ad-free locations, with customized wallpapers, streaming music and videos. We even provide customized URL’s for that special touch!”

There are currently three levels of premium service:

1. Bronze-level (aka “I Told Your I Was Sickr“)
2. Silver-level (aka “I Was Sickr Than You“)
3. Gold-level (aka “I Was Sickr and Now I Am Kickr“)

Celebrities have already jumped on the Sickr band-wagon, including Sarah Palin reserving the Gold-level location for an unnamed online celebrity. Her spokesperson stated, “We can’t tell you who it’s for - but let’s just say this guy has a lot of Facebook activity…even though he can’t use a computer!”

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Happy Friday, everyone! Every Friday, yooRyoo posts a few fun, online videos that will help you make it through the day and safely into the weekend. This week has been a rocky one with the financial news, but luckily one exciting technical bit of news was reveal - we finally found out who invented the Blackberry!!

No, it’s not the Canadian firm Research in Motion - it’s republican presidential nominate, John McCain (presumably when he was still alive)!!

Needless to say, Al Gore was nonplussed with the news. And Sarah Palin, when asked for comment, remarked “He invented Blackberries? Wow - and I just baked a pie full of them! He’s a genius!”

To celebrate this great advancement, yooRyoo presents a series of videos on this significant accomplishment - enjoy and have a great weekend!

John McCain Blackberry Ad

John McCain Genius Ad

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Happy Friday, yooRyoo denizens! It’s been a crazy Web 2.0 week (particularly if you own a Sarah Palin website or blog). Judging by the web activity this last week, I expect this to be an interesting election cycle online.

Every Friday, on our Friday Fishwrap, yooRyoo presents the results of our “Is It Real?” poll from the previous Sunday, and then shares with you a fun, interesting video about Web 2.0. So, let’s get started:

Last Sunday, we featured a company called MyGlu - a web 2.0 open-source API that allows users the ability to thread together status updates and the like from a variety of social network sites. It’s all presented in a single, dashboard-like intereface. Then, we asked you to vote if the company is indeed real. Here are the survey results:

• 50% of you thought that MyGlu was real
• 50% thought that MyGlu might be real
• No one thought that MyGlu was fake.

Well, in all actuality, MyGlu is indeed a fake, made-up company - everyone was wrong! I guess it is believable that a service like MyGlu can exist (particularly since there are too many social networking sites in this day and age - I belong to seven myself - SEVEN!!!). Well, who knows what the future of the web will hold…

Which is a nice transition to today’s video. It’s entitled “Internet 1994” and features the cool, “new” possibilities of what the web could be. Sometimes it’s interesting to reflect that a mere 14 years ago, the web was filled with static webpages, indexed in categories by Yahoo! and Alta Vista. This video is a quaint, retro reminder of this new technology - enjoy!

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Fans of Gene Rodenberry are delighted to hear that the 2008 presidential campaign has finally see the release of a previously top-secret “Palindome.” With the release of this incredible device, once marginalized members of society finally have a chance to win the candidacy of the President or Vice President of the United States.

Each marginalized demographic (women, black men, Irish-Americans, semi-senile senior citizens and even white trailer-trash from Alaska) has its pundits and believers.

It is common knowledge that candidates can’t be all things to all people. John Edwards (formerly running for the Democratic nomination) had the frustration of not being able to convincingly stand for the black or women’s vote. Mrs. Edwards explained that they “…can’t make John black, or a woman” (it is noted that he was able to be an adulterer, but we digress).

Now, with Palindome, they can.

Much like Star Trek’s Holodeck, the Palindome was created by government scientists that labored on the device for well over two decades. With the release of Windows Vista, they finally found a stable OS to run the sophisticated software, and released the device in time for the 2008 Presidential race, Now candidates have the ability to to simulate life-like experiences of what it is like to be an elderly white man, a black man, or even a female governor of a low population state.

This simulation allows candidates to validate their deeply held convictions, without the by-products of what it is actually like to be a disgruntled POW or a white woman with an underage teen daughter pregnant out of wedlock. And amazingly, just like in the Star Trek episode “The Inner Light” the candidates can live a lifetime’s worth of experiences in about 15 minutes (not counting the Windows Vista reboots).

Barack Obama, after exiting the Palindome, stated: “Now I understand the experiences that my opponent has gone through. I have been tortured. My arms broken. I cheated on my first wife after she was maimed in a traffic accident with rich debutantes. I flew into unexpected rages and have made rash, unreasoned decisions - like selecting a running-mate with absolutely no credentials.”

McCain had a similar revelation: “I feel great sympathy with black women everywhere, since, through the technology of the Palindome, I am able to understand, through a lifetimes experience of being a black woman, your particular issues.” Aides whispered in his ears for an awkward moment, and he then added, “What I meant was experiencing what it was like to live the life of a black MAN.” Then he was gingerly led off-stage.

Not surprisingly, Sarah Palin was actually the first to enter the Palindome (hence it was named after her) and went into an alternate reality where she experienced what it was like to be a politically savvy, smart, well-connected and knowledgeable Senator of the state of New York. Still, the experience apparently had no effect on her.

Scientist have resolved that while the Palindome can have you experience the simulated life of another person, it can’t make up for your own stupidity.

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