In honor of the holiday gift-buying season, yooRyoo presents our version of the 12 Days of Christmas - featuring our most popular products and stories of 2008.
If you want to buy any of the below special offers, please email your credit card information to an undisclosed Nigerian bank where we hold our accounts.
Happy Holidays!
On the 12th day of Christmas, yooRyoo gave to me….
Just in time for Thanksgiving, we received this Palin-drone update:
Federal prosecutors, after learning about the Palin-drone conspiracy (as reported here first on yooryoo), have quietly been deployed, “terminating” the pesky robotic drones before they could cause further havoc on American politics. The tenacious Mainstreet Media has picked up on this story, albeit falsely, reporting that the Republican party is “reforming” itself (rather than eliminating the top drones from their leading ranks).
A new viral video sweeping the internet shows photographic evidence that one outlier in the Palin-drone community (namely, its namesake) has not been exterminated, but rather reprogrammed, and is now insensitive to death of any kind.
In 1942, Isaac Asimov defined the three commutable laws of robots:
A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
Obviously, these rules do not apply to turkeys (and Palin-drones). Chechit: at 1:19, the reporter talks about “state programs being on the chopping block” as the guy in the background places the turkey’s head into the chopper. In fact throughout the video, you can see Sarah Palin’s obvious disregard for the carnage played out behind her…
This Thansgiving season, be mindful of the Palin-drones in your neighborhoods. And have a safe holiday!
On the heels of the much-ballyhooed Palin-drone robotic expose, yooRyoo’s investigative reporters have uncovered another secret government machinated program - special code-name: The Phoenix Project. And much like Project Blue-Book, this tale is filled with decoys and red herrings designed to confuse the average citizen.
“The government is resurrecting extinct animals, first through robot lookalikes they license to private companies, and then eventually through indistinguishable DNA lookalikes,” says an unnamed government agent who was not authorized to reveal his military ranking. After revealing top secret photographs of laboratories filled with unspeakable, Frankensteinien images, our investigators pressured him to reveal more.
“The most recent example is the once thought to be extinct pygmy tarsier,” the unnamed source went on, “This extinct animal was first brought back to life by the government in 1965 - even before the tarsier was declared extinct. Then, later it was ‘brought to life’ again, via the popular Hasbro electronic Furby robotic toy.”
We learned the conspiracy ran so deep that even the toy manufacturer did not know the true origins of the device, the result of a top secret biological-pharmaceutical-robotic-creating government agency working on The Phoenix Project.
And much like a real “Jurassic Park”The Phoenix Program was originally designed to bring back extinct animals by splicing their DNA with hydraulic hinges. These first forays looked less like robotic animals, and more like a Roomba.
Efforts to make these initial creatures as realistic and lifelike as the real pygmy tarsier failed, so they hired a patsy “inventor” to take the concept to Hasbro, and allowed the toy company the ability to make millions of dollars on those annoying toys called Furbys. And then the government set out to try to really resurrect the pygmy tarsier.
Through inserting the DNA harvested from the carcass of a real pygmy tarsier into the ovum of a chimpanzee, scientists have created what is essentially a lookalike for the extinct pygmy tarsier.
“This is not an imitation of the once extinct pygmy tarsier; it is the pygmy tarsier,” added the government agent. “And yes, it does taste like chicken.”
Our source revealed that while the government was focused on creating tasty tarsiers, the Phoenix Project has also been dabbling in other robotic efforts, including the robotic Dolphin
- which is a replicant of the once thought to be extinct Chinese River Dolphin:
While these results are freakish and unthinkable, our investigators are left with one overarching question: “can the real Jurassic Park be far behind?”
San Francisco - One of the most highly anticipated social media/web 2.0 conferences of the year ended much earlier than expected today due to poor planning on the organizers. What was hailed as the “must attend event of the year,” the Social Web Extravaganza Business Expo (SWEBE) was forced to shut down three days early due to lack of access to a cell phone or wireless signal, and no usable power outlets.
“Look, we warned attendees well in advance,” said event organizer F.T. Bailey, “it’s even part of the byline of the event - ‘Prepared to be charged and connected’…look at the sign!” Mr. Bailey added, pointing to a banner in an empty auditorium.
Almost immediately, problems began to surface when excited seminar attendees were routed to the concrete basement of the hotel. Cell phone signals were immediately lost, causing audible groans to rise from the auditorium.
Then, things took a turn for the worst when it was discovered that absolutely no wireless signal was available throughout the entire building: “Our apologies,” stated a recorded message that repeated over the loudspeakers, “in an effort to curtail costs, internet connectivity is currently not available. We apologize for the inconvenience.”
To add insult to injury, it was soon discovered that only one power outlet was available throughout the entire conference area, and it wasn’t compatible with any known electronic plug. One attendee took this picture on his iPhone, just before the device lost battery power:
When reached for comments, agitated attendees were quick to weigh in on their concerns:
“No wifi, no cell phone coverage, no power…c’mon, it only took two hours before my Android phone shut off - this is unacceptable, and not worth the $250 price admission!”
“I couldn’t get on Twitter for more than 45 minutes…how are my peeps going to know how horrible the event was? I need to find an outlet quick, so I could Tweet this travesty!”
Event organizers, after making a variety of excuses, quickly ducked out a side-door, presumably to recharge, reconnect, and write “plausible deniability” posts on their blogs.
Senator Ted Stevens is the latest fallout from the discovery of Palin-drones in our nation’s government. Last week, Sen. Stevens - from Alaska - was convicted on corruption charges stemming from over $250,000 in home renovations (along with a massage chair, dog…).
Yet, begging incredulity, at this writing, Sen. Stevens might be possibly re-elected in Alaska, making him the only sitting Senator to be a convicted felon. How could that be? The answer is simple - Senator Ted Stevens is (yes, you guessed it!) a Palin-Drone (remember Palin-drones?)!!!
That’s where Emmit comes in…Emmit is a Blade Runner (made famous by the movie of the same name). His old job was to retire Replicants; now he retires Palin-Drones. Having been appointed a US District Court Judge, Emmit was assigned to the Senator’s case:
Bryant: I need ya, Ems. This is a bad one, the worst yet. I need the old blade runner, I need your magic.
Emmit: [narrating] They don’t advertise for killers in the newspaper. That was my profession. Ex-cop. Ex-blade runner. Ex-killer. Now, I’m just a judge taking down “Palin-drones”…
Emmit could stand the reversals on political viewpoints, even reversals in voting, but what he couldn’t stand by to watch was a rogue Palin-Drone, seemingly in it just for the graft: Senator Ted Stevens. What follows is testimony from last week’s closing deliberations in the Sen. Stevens trial:
U.S. District Judge Emmit Sullivan: [Emmet explains to Ted why he can't extend his Senate term] The facts of life… to make an alteration in the specifics of an organic legal system is fatal. A coding sequence cannot be revised once it’s been established. Ted Stevens:Why not? U.S. District Judge Emmit Sullivan: Because by the second day of deliberation, any Palin-Drones that have undergone reversion mutation give rise to revertant colonies like rats leaving a sinking ship; then the ship sinks. Ted Stevens:What about EMS recombination? Emmit: We’ve already tried it - abuse of power, voter tampering, looking the other way while an American city drowns as an alkalating agent and potent mutagen; it created a virus so lethal the subject was dead before it even left the table. Stevens: Then a repressor protein; that would block the operating Palin-Drones. Emmit: Wouldn’t obstruct replication, but it does give rise to an error in replication so that the newly formed DNA strand carries with it a mutation, and you’ve got a virus again… but this, all of this is academic. You were made as well as we could make you. Stevens: But not to last. Emmit: The light that burns twice as bright burns for half as long - and you have burned so very, very brightly, Ted. Look at you, you’re a US Senator; you’re quite a prize. Stevens: I’ve done… questionable things. Emmit: Also extraordinary things; revel in your time. Stevens: Nothing the God of biomechanics wouldn’t put you in heaven for.
As of this writing, Senator Ted Stevens has still eluded being “retired” by Emmit - or as Emmit put it “He went rogue on us…just like that hot chick that ran for VP - and I don’t mean Darryl Hannah.” The Palin-drone Stevens remains on the loose, dangerous, and defiant.
When attempted to reach for comment, Sarah Palin was busy on the phone: presumably talking to the heads of foreign countries… (Audio here)
One tenacious viewer from Southern California just sent yooRyoo a link to candid, underground footage of these robots stripped bare of their false skins, and utlizing state-of-the-art telephony technology to continue to dominate the world. Whether their rogues or mavericks or just plain divas, yooRyoo now presents: When Robots Attack!!!!
Happy Friday! In today’s Friday Fishwrap we’ll share with you the results of last Sunday’s “Is It Real?” vote, and since voting is on everyone’s mind, our viral video this week is of GW Bush endorsing the McCain/Palin ticket.
First up, last Sunday we presented a social networking application designed to help lawyers network with one another, share tactics over virtual “water coolers” and generally interact with one another. With close to 150,000 lawyers, LegalForce promises to be the hottest social networking app for legal eagles…and then we asked if it was real. Here are the results of the poll:
50% of you thought it was real
25% said no
25% said maybe
After a slight recess, the jury has returned with this verdict: yes, indeed LegalForce is a real social networking application. C’mon, they have social networking sites dedicated to virtually everything - are you surprised?
Speaking of surprise, did you catch Will Ferrill making a guest appearance on Saturday Night Live: Thursday Update yesterday? He shared the stage with the brilliant Tina Fey…in a spot called “George W. Bush endorses McCain/Palin” - watch the video below - and enjoy your Friday!
The McCain camp, after learning this past weekend that not only was Colin Powell supporting his opponent, but that Barack Obama has raised a record breaking $150M in campaign funds last month, has thrown all caution to the wind with their online advertising buys.
Similar to last week’s fiasco of purchasing in-game advertising on the Xbox 360, the McCain/Palin campaign is putting out all stops in purchasing online banner ads in any available ad space (like yooRyoo - see the ad in the lower right hand part of this very page!). Unfortunately, true to McCain’s “maverick” style and impetuous decision-making skills, he has gotten it all wrong again.
Rather than have our readers scour the web for samples of these misplaced, misspoken and highly-unusual ads, yooRyoo has gathered them here for your convenience:
In a surprise twist, Republican Vice Presidential Palin-drone robotic candidate Sarah Palin has decided to launch a web-exclusive imitation of Tina Fey doing an impression of the Palin-drone robot Sarah Palin.
“It’s uncanny the way the latest software update in the Palin-drone Sarah has been able to imitate Tina Fey, a certifiable comic genius, as she is herself imitating the Palin-drone Sarah Palin,” responded Melissa Shuffield, the McCain Press Secretary. “She really has it down, the folksy way she drops the “g” endings when she speaks, the way she acts a little dumb and condescending to rural voters, bringing up Joe Six Pack and Joe the “I make $250,000 and don’t want to pay an extra $1,500 in taxes” Plumber.”
In fact, Sarah Palin’s recent appearance on Saturday Night Live as Tina Fey imitating vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin appeared flawless:
Some pundits say that the Palin-drone Sarah unwittingly played into the hands of the media elite as she basically took part in skewering herself. Tina Fey was overheard to remark, “It was as if we were barbecuing her and she offered to do the basting.” Ms. Fey added, “Now, wait a second…did you say she was a robot?”
Recently, some conspiracy blogs “revealed” that Sarah Palin was actually a Palin-drone, a kind of backtracking type of robot that imitates the candidates with the goal of reversing their previous public record remarks when it suits them politically. It seems that additional functionality has them sabotaging their own campaigns.
In a related note, the aforementioned “conspiracy site” theory regarding the Palin-drones has been verified as extending throughout the Republican ranks, with pundits and politicos on the right side of the aisle taking on extreme opposing positions - even support of candidates. The latest of which was seen on yesterday’s Meet the Press, when the Colin-drone revealed his support for the presidency:
In honor of the holiday gift-buying season, yooRyoo presents our version of the 12 Days of Christmas - featuring our most popular products and stories of 2008.
![Don\'t tell grampa until after he\'s had a \](http://yooryoo.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/mccain_fake_5.jpg "Don\'t tell grampa until after he\'s had a \")
