yooRyoo.com

In a surprise move yesterday, Google announced that it was renaming their ever-popular Wave product to a more-appropriately named Wave Goodbye and planned to integrate all services into their other successful product suites Orkut and Google Answers.

“Look, we realize that every time we launch a Google product, it’s a big deal,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt in a press conference last night, “When we first launched Wave, we were handing out invitations like they were Golden Tickets to our chocolate factory. But, honestly, have you ever tried to use the service? I’m the CEO, and even I can’t figure it out. It’s a natural evolution of this product.”

In response, hundred of developers throughout the world gathered together to create a “Wave” to attempt an online collaborative discussion that could be updated in real-time, and integrated with their gmail accounts. After a few failed attempts, they turned to Twitter instead.

“This is what happens when you launch a product built by engineers for engineers,” added Schmidt. “And do I have to remind you - we never released it from beta, anyway.”

Schmidt did not respond to rumors that Google Buzz will be renamed Google Buzzkill, and that both products would be integrated into their competitive social network, Google Meh.

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A new study released today by Picken & McCracken found that more than 95% of people using Google to search often type in crazy search terms, just to see what results they’ll find.

“I am not sure if they are trying to game the system, or just simply are playing a massive multi-player search engine game (MMPSEG) with Google,” said George Picken, author of the study,  “Either way, the search engine results are just downright whack.”

Co-author Calvin McCracken observed, “Do these people expect to yield actual results based on their search terms? Maybe they’re trying to mess with Google’s search algorythms.”

The study results have proven to be true in real life examples. Over the past year, leading social media/web 2.0 satire site www.yooRyoo.com has been tracking Google search terms that lead people to their website. Just today, they released their Top 20 List of actual search terms that led users to their site:

20  - horse industrial revolution

19 - vpilf clone

18 - shopping senior citizens pictures

17 - “webcam girl” rules “never look”

16 - sharpei pups

15 - elderly + web2.0+use

14 - what happens when you smoke crack

13 - how do you reach senior citizens

12 - rick astley 2008 president

11 - scary chuck norris pictures

10 - what do Americans think about Nigerians

9 - chuck norris kick

8 - “don’t screw around with me maverick”

7 - booty social network

6 - create a virtual turd

5 - yahoo is a suckass liberal trash

4 - sexy naked furbies

3 - japanese, girl, fartng

2 - engine that runs on furbies

1 - steve jobs naked

“It just doesn’t make sense,” stated yooRyoo on their blog posting today, “Are people really typing in these things into Google? And how are these terms leading to us? Don’t web searchers have anything better to do?”

Picken and McCracken were rumored to be smug about their findings.

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Submitted by David Thomas, at www.buzzcut.com

(Mountain View, CA) After years of engineering investment and marketing hyperbole, search engine giant Google came clean last week at its Mountain View headquarters that the “cloud computing” promise was just a bunch of castles in the sky.

“At Google, we have a fine tradition of thinking big and letting our imagination run wild as we try to glimpse the great big tomorrow of the Internet,” said company spokesman Brandon Clearky. “But we also have a core corporate value of ‘doing no harm’. So despite some intense internal debate–and, honestly, some pretty heated flame wars on the internal message boards—we decided we shouldn’t lie to people just to keep our stock price up.”

At issue in the Google announcement is the future viability of cloud computing, a concept that envisions users with simple, low-end, low-cost machines connecting to a massive online computer network that manages the bulk of processing and file management.

“This is pretty much what Sun was pushing 10 years ago and the thing that has since pretty much put them out of business,” noted Paul Morgan Stanley market analyst Hester Cocklin.

Wall Street investors, intent on maintaining their seven-figure salaries in the face of economic meltdown, have staunchly supported the cloud concept for year as sound, fundamental business. But with a storm of consumer expectation rolling in, the promise of the cloud has quickly dissipated.

Said one Stanley Morgan Morgan Analyst, on condition of anonymity, “Sure, the whole cloud computing thing seemed pretty much pie in the sky from the very beginning. I mean, seriously, Google Docs is neat but who wants a word processor that can’t format tables correctly What, is this Word 7? Hello!

“But what choice did we have? Without gee whiz tech to over-promise, we might as well just hand the entire country over the Chinese rather than wait for the trade imbalance to do it for us. Count me out on that Chariman Mao!”

Sources close to Google leadership describe the cloud computing concept as “A great idea that seems more plausible when you are driving 100 mph down the Pacific Coast highway with a hot blonde way out of your league and wearing poorly fitting designer clothes in a car bought with inflated Google stock.”

“But when you look at the fundamentals of storing everything in the world for everyone in the world data and doing all the computation for everything in the world,” explain corporate watchdog Doug Doolie, “Well, in that case, it’s all a little bit Star Trek don’t you think Mr. Data?”

For its part, Google promises the cloud computing debacle will blow over soon.

“It’s not like Google to not to make money hand over fist while reaching the sort of approval rating that would make Jesus weep, ” said Clearky. “Besides, when Microsoft gets wind of our Candyland operating system plans or our intention pay out Ad Sense accounts with vials of real Unicorn blood, well, hey, then it’s all just gonna be forgive and forget.”

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In response to the devastating news that Yahoo! plans to reduce it’s workforce by 10%, CEO and co-founder Jerry Yang indicated a way to continue to deliver its core services without impact to overall workflow.

“It’s simple, we’ll continue to provide the second-best search engine services, but reduce the amount of webpages we index by 10%. Problem solved!” he stated in an impromptu press conference today. After a moment, he added, “Besides 50% of the webpages out there are crap - who will notice?”

Yang then outlined the specific approach to determining which pages will actually show up in Yahoo’s SERPs after the restructure:

• 100% of all “adult” websites (as they are the most frequented and generate the most ad dollars for the company
• 50% of all sites with extensions .us, .tv, .cc and .gov (”Who really uses those sites, anyway” he commented)
• No MySpace sites at all (”That’s a dying social network anyway - those people really need to move to FaceBook”)

The restructure will be effective in 2009, when the company will change it’s name to “Yahoo 2.0! Your new Pron gateway!”

Joe Plumber was asked his opinion, since as a plumber making $250,000 he represents the common man’s opinion, “What? Another porn directory? There’s already a ton of them, and they ALL do a better job than Yahoo! I mean I just got off on…err, please strike that. Sir, can you strike that?”

When reached for comment, Google CEO Eric Schmidt said, “Yahoo? They’re still around? Imagine that…Go Obama!”

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Note to yooRyoo readers, the following item is entirely true…sometimes we can’t make these things up:

A Google engineer released a new extension to Gmail that is designed to prevent “drunk emailing.” Entitled “Mail Goggles,” the engineer posted the following description on his blog:

Sometimes I send messages I shouldn’t send. Like the time I told that girl I had a crush on her over text message. Or the time I sent that late night email to my ex-girlfriend that we should get back together. Gmail can’t always prevent you from sending messages you might later regret, but today we’re launching a new Labs feature I wrote called Mail Goggles which may help.

When you enable Mail Goggles, it will check that you’re really sure you want to send that late night Friday email. And what better way to check than by making you solve a few simple math problems after you click send to verify you’re in the right state of mind?

If you add Mail Goggles to your existing Gmail account, it will automatically turn on late on Friday and Saturday nights. Everytime you try to send an email, it will ask you a series of math questions to prove your sobriety. Here is a screenshot of some of those questions:

Again, we have to stress that although it sounds like one of our fake postings, this is entirely real.

Here is a screenshot of the settings panel:

Still don’t believe us? Feel free to download and install this at the Offical Gmail Blog.
 

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Microsoft, in another desperate bid to become a “me-to” player in a technology space where they own 90% of the market, released today their response to the ever-popular Google Chrome browser: Rust. Leaving off where Netscape and Mosaic left off years ago, Microsoft’s Rust browser promises to bring a “nostalgic feel” back to surfing the web - back to the days of dial-up and Usenet groups.

“We’re excited,” says Steve Balmer, “web users are longing for the days when websites would take minutes - even hours to load. And there’s nothing more sublime than 76dpi graphics….aah, so serene.”

Google’s Rust browser strips out all those annoying Flash applications, cascading style sheets and anything Ajax-y, and delivers the web in all it’s simple glory. Forget ASP, JSP, or .NET - Rust delivers HTML simply and quickly.

“We’re excited,” says Balmer, “By delivering the ‘new web’ in such an old-school way, we’re removing all risks of viruses, malware and adware. This is what’s called in the tech-space, the old ‘bait and switch’.”

In a second surprise move, Microsoft announced that both Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates will return to their marketing campaign, to promote the Rust browser. This, after the much disputed firing of Seinfeld and Gates from their previous campaign.

Jerry Seinfeld, when cornered by rabid reporters, commented: “I was using Netscape when surfing the web on my Macintosh, back when I was starring on TV - this will be easy for me to promote.”

Bill Gates, when demo’ing the new Rust browser, remarked - “Wait a sec - didn’t we trounce these guys when we launched IE2 back in 1999? What gives?”

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Much confusion was generated on the internet this weekend when Google searches for “Governor Palin” resulted in websites related to former Monty Python regular performer Michael Palin. One reporter under that false impression interviewed Michael Palin, as excerpted below:

Reporter: How does it feel to be chosen as the running mate for the Republican ticket for the presidency?

Michael Palin: I think you must be confusing me with a different ‘Palin’

Reporter: Your name is ‘Palin” correct?

Michael Palin: Why yes, but -

Reporter: And you have been selected as the Vice Presidential running mate for Senator McCain?

Michael Palin: I’m sorry, but that is not the case

Reporter: Well, that’s just a technicality, isn’t it? I mean if Google thinks you have been selected as the Republican Vice Presidential runningmate, then it must be true, right?

Michael Palin: No, it is not, it is absolutely false!

Reporter: Look, you’re a ‘Palin’ and Senator McCain selected a ‘Palin’ as a runningmate, right?

Michael Palin: Right, but -

Reporter: Well then, that’s established. So, how does it feel to be selected as the Vice Presidential candidate of a man one heartstroke away from leaving you with the presidency?

Michael Palin: I was NOT selected as a US Vice Presidential candidate! In fact, I’m British, I mean, can’t you tell by my accent! I can’t even be selected as a running mate! And just because it comes up in Google, doesn’t mean it’s automatically true!

========================

Late Tuesday night, it was finally established that Michael Palin was not a the governor of a medium-sized state for less than two years, but arguably more experienced than Governor Sarah Palin, the most inexperienced person on a major-party ticket in modern history. This has effectively made the McCain bid for president dead-on-arrival:

(with apologies to Monty Python):

==============================

The Dead Presidential Candidate Sketch

 A Republican voter enters the Republican National Convention.

Republican voter: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The RNC Chairman does not respond.)

Republican voter: ‘Ello, Miss?

RNC Chairman: What do you mean “miss”?

Republican voter: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

RNC Chairman: We’re closin’ for Gustav.

Republican voter: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this presidential candidate what I voted not a year ago from this very state.

RNC Chairman: Oh yes, the, uh, the McCain Watwaseetinkin…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with him?

Republican voter: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with him, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with him!

RNC Chairman: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting.

Republican voter: Look, matey, I know a dead presidential candidate when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

RNC Chairman: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable candidate, the McCain Watwaseetinkin, idn’it, ay? Beautiful history!

Republican voter: His history don’t enter into it. He’s stone dead.

RNC Chairman: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!

Republican voter: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the television) ‘Ello, Mister Polly Presidential candidate! I’ve got a lovely fresh new wife for you if you show…

(RNC Chairman hits the television)

RNC Chairman: There, he moved!

Republican voter: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the television!

RNC Chairman: I never!!

Republican voter: Yes, you did!

RNC Chairman: I never, never did anything…

Republican voter: (yelling and hitting the television repeatedly) ‘ELLO MCCAIN!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!

(Takes presidential candidate out of the television and thumps its head on the counter. Throws him up in the air and watches him plummet to the floor.)

Republican voter: Now that’s what I call a dead presidential candidate.

RNC Chairman: No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!

Republican voter: STUNNED?!?

RNC Chairman: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! McCain Watwaseetinkin stun easily, major.

Republican voter: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That presidential candidate is definitely deceased, and when I voted for him in the primaries not a year ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to him bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged campaign.

RNC Chairman: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the rice paddies.

Republican voter: PININ’ for the RICE PADDIES?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got home?

RNC Chairman: The McCain Watwaseetinkin prefers keepin’ on his back! Remarkable conservative, id’nit, squire? Lovely history!

Republican voter: Look, I took the liberty of examining that presidential candidate when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that he had been sitting on his stool in the
first place was that he had been NAILED there.

(pause)

RNC Chairman: Well, o’course he was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that conservative down, he would have nuzzled up to those voters, bent ‘em apart with his promises, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Republican voter: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this conservative wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!

RNC Chairman: No no! ‘E’s pining!

Republican voter: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This presidential candidate is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the stool ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE!!

(pause)

RNC Chairman: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of presidential candidates.

Republican voter: I see. I see, I get the picture.

RNC Chairman: I got an Alaskan guv’nor.

(pause)

Republican voter: Pray, does she know any foreign policy?

RNC Chairman: Nnnnot really.

Republican voter: WELL SHE’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS SHE?!!???!!?

RNC Chairman: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Republican voter: Well.

(pause)

RNC Chairman: (quietly) D’you…. d’you want to come back to my place?

Republican voter: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

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with horror. “What, do I have to start looking at ASCII photos of naked women again? I mean, what is this - 1982?” said one.

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Nothing beats a cool smoothie in the heat of the summer…nothing that is, except for high organic search results and a bump in page rank! That’s why the founders of Google have joined forces with the creators of Jamba Juice to provide nutritious, delicious, frozen concoctions with a burst of SEO goodness in every sip.

Under the working term “Google Juice,” this concept store combines thirty different fresh fruits, wheatgrass and completely legal over-the-counter health additives with inlinks, optimized on-page content and XML sitemaps. Served over in-store wireless networks, Google Juice will extract relevant demographic information from your credit card, and “serve-up” your personal or business website as an authoritative page.

“We’ve taken the concept of organic search to an entirely new level,” said one in-store, assistant night-manager at a local Google Juice store, “Everything here is certified pesticide-free…no fruits were purchased from any link-farms.”

As Google Juice concept stores roll-out throughout the country, numerous fanboy sites have already sprung up, including the Google Juice blog, the Google Juice UK blog, and the North American Man Google Juice Love Association.

Google and Jamba Juice representatives, when contacted for their opinion, promptly hung the phone up without speaking to us.

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Initial rumors of a “GooglePhone” subsided once Google leaked the news that their foray into the competitive cell market was actually not a cellphone to rival the iPhone, but rather as the main backer of the Android mobile software platform.

Looks like this was just a smokescreen designed to hide their efforts at their version of the iPhone killer: the gPhone!

Instead of The dark screen of the iPhone 3G, the gPhone uses a light colored screen. Also, in keeping with the simple interface of the Google search, the initial release of the gPhone does one thing and one thing well: make calls. It does not (at least initially) have other applications, like the iPhone, such as music player, calender and productivity suite, only a phone.

The gPhone offers a Google like search interface. Instead of dialing numbers you just input names into the search field, with auto-completion for commonly typed searches. The search also has the “I’m feeling lucky” button, also commonly associated with their online search. In this instance it selects a random phone number of a gPhone owner named similarly to your search query.

“The “I’m feeling lucky” button is the 21st century version of drunk-dialing,” says Google spokesperson I.P. Freely. “It’s a good way to get to know other gPhone owners. It approaches the randomness of real life.”

The model shown has the expansion pack with email, a browser and music player, but Google assures users that right out of the box, you are able to make that simple phone call.

“In this day and age of yearly upgrades, why would you tie all of your technologies into one piece of hardware?” Freely says. “I mean, as technology advances do you really want your music player, camera, browser, productivity suite, etcetera all on one piece of hardware? What if something more sexy comes along, like a new digital camera you can’t live without? Now you’ve got two cameras to contend with. It doesn’t make upgrade sense.

With the gPhone, much like the Google online search, it does one thing and one thing very well: make phone calls.”

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