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“Second Wife” - a new online virtual world for fundamentalist Mormons!

September 16, 2008 By: zenboy Category: Computer Gaming 1 Comment →

The makers of the ever-popular SecondLife online virtual world announced plans today to introduce a new online world platform, designed specifically for the fundamentalist arm of the Mormon religion - “Second Wife.

In this new virtual community, users are encouraged to create virtual compounds of suppression and poverty, populate their family with thousands of virtual offspring (”cyber-springs”) - all without the menacing arm of the law getting into their way of life.

“We’re excited,” says fundamentalist founder Pastor Mannie Grange, “we’ve been waiting for something like this ever since, ever since…ever since we were kicked off our compound in Colorado and lost our Comcast DSL connection.”

One of the first SecondWife communities

In Second Wife, users create avatars that have limited choices on body types and clothing. Men avatars have a scoring system that allows them to tally the number of women they connect with, and the number of cyber-springs they create. Women, unfortunately, have no scoring system, and are only measured on the length of their dress and the oneness of their eyebrow.

Rough rendering of Second Wife women

With this announcement, already existing LDS organizations on Second Life are planning a mass migration to this new gaming platform, packing up all of their existing belongings in Second Life vans and trucks, and hightailing it out of the SL community under the cover of darkness.

Critics have already decried this new community, noting that their are no age restrictions required when enrolling. In an attempt to reach the leaders of the Fundamental LDS organization, we received an automated email response:

“Sorry I can’t respond to your email - I am off to farm new, fertile pastures. However, your email is important to me, and I will respond once they lay in a T1 line to this godforsaken place.”

Second Wife tabernacle shot

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Celebritech News: Roll Ricking - the new internet meme

August 13, 2008 By: cboyer Category: Celebritech, Uncategorized 1 Comment →

Poor Rick Astley never gets a break in this Web 2.0 world. After suddenly re-appearing on the pop scene last year due to a surge of “rick-rolling” on YouTube, Mr. Astley was rediscovered by millions of new listeners throughout the world. The demand for his techno-pop-synth sounds soared, so much so that he announced his plan to tour Japan and the Far East, digging up his 80’s pseudo-music catalog for newer, younger audiences.

Ricky - you have some splaining to do!

Just when the money began rolling back to Rick Astley’s pockets, a newer internet craze surfaced on the web, a craze designed to humiliate this singer of such hits as “Never Gonna Give You Up” and “Together Forever”….Roll Ricking.

Things that Rick will not do

Roll Ricking is a malicious prank targeting Rick Astley directly - just as he takes to the stage and the opening strains of his Number 1 hits flow from the computer banks (doubling as his band), large screens drop from the ceilings, and different videos begin showing inane video clips such as:

  • LOLcats montages
  • videos of people inadvertently taking a hit to their crotch
  • naked webcam girls that want to get freaky with you - FREE!
  • clothed webcam girls that want to mildly suggest things to do with you - FREE!
  • other people singing “Never Gonna Give You Up” in Karaoke

These video events are subsequently filmed and uploaded back to YouTube.


Rick Astley caught on tape at a latest concert

Already humiliated at four concerts in Japan and Hong Kong, Rick Astley has been quoted as stating: “This is enough - there’s only so much this One (maybe Two) Hit Wonder of the 80’s can take - I’m quitting touring for good.” After blowing his nose, he added: “Besides, I just got offered a hosting job at VH-1 for their new reality/trivia/nostalgia program: “Growing up with Denise Richards in the I Love the 80’s Rock of Love game show.”

YouTube viewers, when reached for comment, left more than 4,000 smarmy responses on voicemail - maybe two or three of them relevant and/or funny.

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China 2.0

July 28, 2008 By: zenboy Category: Uncategorized 4 Comments →

With the subprime mortgage crisis comes the sinking of the Titanic, a.k.a. “America” while the Federal Reserve rearranges the deck chairs. “Chimerica” is no longer just a clever buzzword, it is a foretelling of the new retrograde technology: China 2.0 (a.k.a. the United States). The U.S is usurping China’s former role as manufacturer and exporter of cheap goods. I mean, just look at WalMart, headquarters: Bentonvile, Arkansas, USA. Or Home Depot, headquarters: Atlanta, Georgia, USA. Both offer cheap goods at a low price - something the former China (China 1.0) was known for.

The US is leveraged to the gills. During the real estate boom, homeowners were offered 125% the value of their homes. Now, do you think it is good business to loan people more than the collateral is worth to people who can’t pay back over-leveraged homes? No wonder foreclosures are falling like depth charges, blowing up central banks like so many submarines. Even the Federal Reserve can only juggle so many potential bank failures.

The good thing is that China 2.0 manufacturers can now send their cheap goods overseas - to China! (a.k.a. America 2.0). The retrograde technology of China 2.0 is to benefit America by riding the coattails of the huge China boom. By lowering the costs of our goods, we can now cater to the increasingly upscale tastes of the new Chinese upper and middle classes. Now, they can look to the west to get their iPods and iPhones and iEverythings! America 2.0 (China) never looked so good!

 Life is great!

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Friday Fishwrap: Life 2.0 and is the MiPhone Real?

July 25, 2008 By: cboyer Category: Friday Fishwrap 2 Comments →

Welcome to the Friday Fishwrap! Today’s featured video is a product that could have been featured on our site: Life 2.0, created by Zeke Shore.

“Is It Real” poll results: the MiPhone:

If you recall, last Sunday we introduce you to MiPhone:a new Apple iPhone 3G application (available through the iTunes app store) that is a micro-social network, allowing users to locate others nearby (using iPhone’s internal GPS services) that also have an iPhone. This social network was designed with one purpose in mind - to allow those elitist iPhoners to gather together and deride non-iPhone cell phone users.

We asked you - Is It Real? Here are the results:

  • 50% said “no”
  • 25% said “yes”
  • 25% said “maybe”

The real answer - the MiPhone is not real! However, many people I talked to said it should be. Tune in this Sunday for the next installment of “Is It Real?”…have a great weekend!

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Toot 2.0 - now available for the iPhone 3G!!!

July 21, 2008 By: cboyer Category: microblogging No Comments →

toot2.0 - toot on your iPhone

In a rush to release a new iPhone application through Apple’s iTunes store, Toot 2.0 has just been released for the new 3G platform.

Toot is a microblogging technology that allows connectivity to your online friends similar to Twitter. Using bio-tech implants, Toot allows you to automatically update your health status on the fly! Through wireless connectivity, Toot implants convey your biometric information status to a website console that integrates with all social software platforms (Facebook, LinkedIn, MySpace, WhoIsI). Imagine conveying your health status in 140 characters or less - what a breakthrough!!!

Now available for the iPhone, Toot 2.0 is already gaining a wide acceptance with users:

  • “I waited in line two hours at the Apple store for my iPhone, had to wait another 45 for AT&T to run a background check and initiate my cell phone account…now I can’t wait to get home and Toot on my iPhone!” said one Apple zealot.
  • Another user wrote: “I have been Tooting all day and all night since I got my new iPhone. It feels great - but I wonder if there is some way I could wash off my phone - it’s beginning to smell.”

Forget Twitter, forget FriendFeed, forget Google Talk - it’s time to Toot 2.0 on your iPhone!

Information regarding Toot1.0 can be found -> here.

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OnStarbucks - caffeine in an emergency

July 09, 2008 By: cboyer Category: Mergers No Comments →

onstarbucks - emergency caffeineAfter announcing last week that they were closing 600 stores nationwide, Starbucks Corporation (NASDAQ: SBUX) has announced the next step in its multi-faceted plan to transform the company today. A surprise merger with the leading car safety device and vehicle security firm, Onstar, is a surprising mash-up that has investors raving about the positive effect on both companies’ stock prices.

“In January, we committed to transforming the company through a series of critical and strategic initiatives to improve the current state of our U.S. business and build the business for the long term,” stated Howard Schultz, chairman, president and CEO.  “Our executive and field leadership teams conducted an extensive review of our U.S. company-operated store portfolio with a goal of enabling our organization to focus its efforts on areas where we can more effectively improve the customer experience. To that end, we proudly announce OnStarbucks.”

“Our 11 years of experience have taught us that life happens when you’re driving,” said OnStar President Chet Huber. “The value of OnStarbucks combines the powerfully-simple technology of OnStar’s in car emergency support with the leading specialty coffee store, providing added flexibility for our subscribers. In emergency situations - a car accident, being locked out of your car, being lost in strange city - stress levels of our subscribers increase. The new OnStarbucks service will allow them to order a double Mocha Frappacino to help them through these difficult times.”

With this simple announcement, the markets have seen a quick uptake on Starbucks and OnStar stocks, which has led to further product extension announcements, include PronStar (the ability to deliver adult material directly to vehicles) and FourBucks (a concept store where every coffee drink only costs $4).

About Starbucks
Since 1971, Starbucks Coffee Company has been committed to ethically sourcing and roasting the highest quality arabica coffee in the world. Today, with stores around the globe, the company is the premier roaster and retailer of specialty coffee in the world - and now in your car. Through their unwavering commitment to excellence and our guiding principles, they bring the unique Starbucks Experience to life for every customer through every cup and every automobile. To share in the experience, please visit them in our stores, online at www.starbucks.com or just hit your convenient OnStarbucks button in your vehicle.

About OnStar by GM
OnStar, a wholly-owned subsidiary of General Motors, is the leading provider of in-vehicle safety, security and communication services. OnStarbucks is available on more than 50 MY 2008 GM models and includes one year of service and four Venti Lattes (speciality milks and flavors will cost extra). OnStarbucks will become standard on nearly all GM retail vehicles in the United States and Canada by the end of 2008. OnStar provides services to more than 4.5 million subscribers in the U.S. and Canada. More information about OnStar can be found at www.onstar.com.

Forward-Looking Statements
This release contains forward-looking statements relating to the Cappucinos delivered in an emergency, including statements regarding the timing of delivery to OnStarbucks vehicles, charges and expenses relating to the rapid response of delivery of caffienated beverages and the related impact to drivers stress levels.  These forward-looking statements, as well as the underlying estimates and assumptions relating to such statements, are based on currently available operating, financial and competitive information and are subject to a number of significant risks and uncertainties.  In particular, Starbucks does not acknowledge the relation of too much caffeine with actual road rage or an increase in accidents, nor short-term memory loss that relates to the increase risk of losing one’s car keys. The company assumes no obligation to update any of these forward-looking statements.

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S*#tfaced - social networking for drunks

July 02, 2008 By: zenboy Category: Social Media 1 Comment →

S*#tfaced

Idea by Dave, thanks Dave!

In order to capture a niche market of web surfers, a new social networking platform has been announced. Sh*#tfaced is an open-source, social networking platform targeted at SUI’s (Surfers Under the Influence) - a growing demographic of online searchers.

With an easy interface, (so easy a drunk could use it, heh), users are able to design their social networking site into a dizzying array of animated backgrounds, simultaneously running videos and clashing music audio, much like how MySpace is like now

You are able to send drinks to unsuspecting TOA’s (Targets of Affection) and (totally hetero) man-crushes.

The current demographic is mostly males in their early twenties that are either in a frat house or would like to get into one. Very few women are  part of the Sh*#tfaced network, which tends to lead to virtual beer-can-crushed-against-the-forehead competitions, armwrestling, and endless virtual drinking games. Most comments displayed have a version of “This place is a sausagefest. Let bounce, brah.”

The photos displayed are typically lots of crowd shots in darkened interiors with harsh flash lighting on grinning people looking like they are really trying hard to manufacture some good ol’ alcoholic fun. Hey, it ain’t fun unless there’s at least one drunken brawl, don’tcha know.

Add photos, design an avatar for the 3D “Passout Party” room, and virtually drink the night away!

“It’s like a modern day vomitorium, totally Roman, bro. Or Latin or something. Whatever. Anyway’s it tits man, yeah tits,” comments one inebriated participant.

Test the limits of virtual alcohol poisoning with Sh*#tfaced!

Next stop: AlAnonster.

 

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It’s time to Toot!

June 12, 2008 By: cboyer Category: microblogging 5 Comments →

Forget Tweeting - it\'s time to Toot!Forget Twitter, forget IM, forget Skype – it’s time to Toot! Toot is the latest in technology that allows connectivity to your online friends. Based on patented bio-tech implants, Toot allows you to automatically update your health status on the fly! With built-in wireless connectivity, our Toot implants convey relevant biometric information status to our servers, which are then translated into status updates that integrate seamlessly with all social software platforms. Available in English, French, German, Spanish, Russian and Kanji.

Testimonial from a new Toot Subscriber: “Wow - when I first started Tooting, I wasn’t quite comfortable with it. I felt a bit embarassed doing it in public. But now that I got the hang of it, I Toot all day long. Now that I connected this to my Blackberry, I can toot in the elevator, on the subway - even at home, in bed, under the covers. I am not sure what life was like before Tooting - but it’s certainly much better now!”

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