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Just in time for Thanksgiving, we received this Palin-drone update:

Federal prosecutors, after learning about the Palin-drone conspiracy (as reported here first on yooryoo), have quietly been deployed, “terminating” the pesky robotic drones before they could cause further havoc on American politics. The tenacious Mainstreet Media has picked up on this story, albeit falsely, reporting that the Republican party is “reforming” itself (rather than eliminating the top drones from their leading ranks).

A new viral video sweeping the internet shows photographic evidence that one outlier in the Palin-drone community (namely, its namesake) has not been exterminated, but rather reprogrammed, and is now insensitive to death of any kind.

In 1942, Isaac Asimov defined the three commutable laws of robots:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Obviously, these rules do not apply to turkeys (and Palin-drones). Chechit: at 1:19, the reporter talks about “state programs being on the chopping block” as the guy in the background places the turkey’s head into the chopper. In fact throughout the video, you can see Sarah Palin’s obvious disregard for the carnage played out behind her…

This Thansgiving season, be mindful of the Palin-drones in your neighborhoods. And have a safe holiday!

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yooRyoo exclusive report: The Phoenix Project.

On the heels of the much-ballyhooed Palin-drone robotic expose, yooRyoo’s investigative reporters have uncovered another secret government machinated program - special code-name: The Phoenix Project. And much like Project Blue-Book, this tale is filled with decoys and red herrings designed to confuse the average citizen.

“The government is resurrecting extinct animals, first through robot lookalikes they license to private companies, and then eventually through indistinguishable DNA lookalikes,” says an unnamed government agent who was not authorized to reveal his military ranking. After revealing top secret photographs of laboratories filled with unspeakable, Frankensteinien images, our investigators pressured him to reveal more.

“The most recent example is the once thought to be extinct pygmy tarsier,” the unnamed source went on, “This extinct animal was first brought back to life by the government in 1965 - even before the tarsier was  declared extinct. Then, later it was ‘brought to life’ again, via the popular Hasbro electronic Furby robotic toy.”

We learned the conspiracy ran so deep that even the toy manufacturer did not know the true origins of the device, the result of a top secret biological-pharmaceutical-robotic-creating government agency working on The Phoenix Project.

And much like a real “Jurassic Park” The Phoenix Program was originally designed to bring back extinct animals by splicing their DNA with hydraulic hinges. These first forays looked less like robotic animals, and more like a Roomba.

Efforts to make these initial creatures as realistic and lifelike as the real pygmy tarsier failed, so they hired a patsy “inventor” to take the concept to Hasbro, and allowed the toy company the ability to make millions of dollars on those annoying toys called Furbys. And then the government set out to try to really resurrect the pygmy tarsier.

Through inserting the DNA harvested from the carcass of a real pygmy tarsier into the ovum of a chimpanzee, scientists have created what is essentially a lookalike for the extinct pygmy tarsier.

“This is not an imitation of the once extinct pygmy tarsier; it is the pygmy tarsier,” added the government agent. “And yes, it does taste like chicken.”

Our source revealed that while the government was focused on creating tasty tarsiers, the Phoenix Project has also been dabbling in other robotic efforts, including the robotic Dolphin

- which is a replicant of the once thought to be extinct Chinese River Dolphin:

While these results are freakish and unthinkable, our investigators are left with one overarching question: “can the real Jurassic Park be far behind?”

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In this particular heated election year, a rise of online political polling has spread like a virus on the internet. At any given count, there are hundreds…yea, thousands…of online political polls dedicated to parsing numbers and voters, left and right, depending on how the wind blows.

Along with the rise of these polls, came the rise of political polling techniques - opinion polling, early voting polling, phone call polling, online popularity polls. Every major news organization - and even Fox News - has created their own polling techniques, not to mention fancy electronic boards to display their information in their news casts.

To that end, ostensibly, Picken & McCracken, leading researchers and statisticians (famous for their recent study that 67% of all web statistics are made up on the spot) have applied a Noble-prize winning technique and weighed in on the latest political polls.

Using state-of-the-art techniques, Picken & McCracken have employed, phones, cell-phones, email, Facebook, Twitter, IM and a host of other online techniques, and reached out to virtually every American in a short period of time. They compiled their results and just published their latest election poll numbers:

• 97% of all Americans have never participated in any election poll
• Of those 97% of people, 73.4% of them responded to Picken and McCracken’s poll and their first statement was “Oh crap… now I participated in a poll. Can I switch sides?”
• 13% of all American can’t make simple decisions like: skim milk or cream in my coffee, Subway or Quiznos for lunch, should I take Sally to dance class or Billy to practice? Inevitably, these same 13% are found right in front of you in the checkout lane at the supermarket
• States like Ohio are virtually split 50/50 with every decision they have to make (Picken brought up the 2005 Ohio Baskin Robbins “Chocolate or Vanilla” vote, in which “Chocolate” won by 3 votes)
• While Politicians focus on certain states to statistically win Electoral Votes like Ohio, Florida, and this year, Pennsylvania and Colorado, voters in those non “swing states” have a more enjoyable TV viewing experience, not having to ignore campaign commercials

Upon its release today, this study is expected to change the political polling landscape today. When asked for it’s impact, most major news outlets dismissed the study by stating: “You can’t believe those polls, anyway…now, back to our latest poll results…”

Meanwhile, the US Voters are nonplussed.

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A few weeks ago, yooRyoo ran an exclusive feature on a small robotic firm located on the icy tundra in Alaska that unleased horrific Palindrones on the “lower 48.” These drones took the disguise of Republican operatives and political candidates, and reversed themselves on every position possible.

One tenacious viewer from Southern California just sent yooRyoo a link to candid, underground footage of these robots stripped bare of their false skins, and utlizing state-of-the-art telephony technology to continue to dominate the world. Whether their rogues or mavericks or just plain divas, yooRyoo now presents: When Robots Attack!!!!

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As noticed by many observers, during the last presidential debate, the Democratic candidate seemed rational, giving real world answers to questions, while his opponent was lost in thought, uttering platitudes and generalizations to real-life problems (i.e. “we’re the best innovators, we’re the best producers” and how “we will succeed and we will bring our troops home with honor and victory and not in defeat”).

A Silicon Valley company - iWear - quietly issued a press release this week, as a means of explanation. “The reason John McCain waxed poetically about seemingly random non sequitors in the last debate is due to a new technology that we created. Entitled Telepromptya, this device is a surgical contact lens implant that is grafted to the wearer’s corneas. Then, from a remotely controlled wi-fi device - like an iPhone - users can project teleprompted text and other related images onto the surface of the eye. If done properly, this device can inspire and help set tones and subtleties in speeches and debates…even for presumably losing candidates.”

As an example, the company notes that Sarah Palin used it in the Vice Presidential debate, in order not to fail as spectacularly as she did during candid (and non-teleprompted) interviews with Katie Couric and Charles Gibson. “They call it ‘gotcha journalism’ but really it was because we were still perfecting the device,” Abi Normal, CEO of iWear noted. “We had endless loops and null divisions - it was a mess. When we tried it out on a second tester - Tina Fey for her SNL skit - we reran the same software version. The effect, while still way off, was uncanny.”

“We finally had to do a complete rebuild, in order to get basic functionality…and that’s what Sarah ran with for the VP debate - the basic version” added Mr. Normal.

In the case of John McCain, a special image set was created, with images of waving flags and George Washington crossing the Delaware projected onto his retinas. This allowed the Republican candidate to wax even more poetically (and jingoistically) for nearly twenty minutes during the last debate:

“That’s what America’s all about. I believe in this country. I believe in its future. I believe in its greatness. It’s been my great honor to serve it for many, many years…I like grandmothers and baseball and puppies and apple pie. I like puppy pie, too, and grandmothers hitting home runs while Washington cuts down cherry trees and vows never to tell a lie…

Future revisions of Telepromptya include the following preset themes:

• Sarah Palin draped in an American Flag (and nothing else) - NOTE: this model has already been pre-ordered by millions of Republican men in the US
• Images of Barack Obama on the campaign trail with text from JFK’s “Ich Bin Ein Berliner” speech
• Images of Fred Thompson’s Hollywood roles and character, with the abridged text from Camus’ The Plague

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Welcome, yooRyoo readers, to our Sunday feature - “Is It Real?” where we present a new Web 2.0 tool or technology, give you a brief overview of the product, and then ask you to vote on if it is real or not. There is a catch, though - you cannot use the internet in any way to help you guess your answer. That’s right - this is a gut-check guess!

We reveal the answer in the following Friday Fishwrap posting. That means you have all week to vote on whether you think this is real or not. Understood? Then let’s get started:

As you know, the Obama campaign is always on the forefront with new technologies to help promote their candidate…and the McCain campaign is desperately following on their heels. When Obama launched a Twitter feed, suddenly 30 McCain twitter feeds were created (29 of which are decidedly fake, but much more entertaining). Incidentally, Barack Obama has more than 80,000 people following his Twitter feeds.

You may have heard, the Obama campaign recently released their very own iPhone application - a way for Barack supporters to stay in touch with the candidate. Not to be outdone, the McCain campaign is now introducing their very own iPhone application. Similar to the Obama application, the McCain iPhone app allows users to get instant messages and campaign updates from their campaign.

But, as an added touch, McCain’s iPhone application contains a fun, imbeded game where you can control an animated version of McCain and Palin, and have them shoot at Iranian invaders, wolves (from a helicopter) and Russians from across the sea. This game is called “Grumpier Old Men” (since it’s loosely based on the movie).

So, yooRyoo friends, we ask - do you think that the McCain iPhone application is indeed real? Vote below…the answer will be revealed on Friday!

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Confronted with the possibility that Sarah Palin may possibly become the Vice President of the United States, a Silicon Valley technological manufacturing firm has developed a state-of-the art patch to cut out the shrill notes when Governor Palin is speaking.

This will become available in February, to coincide with the February 17, 2009 date when all television signals change from analog to digital (as well as the same date that the Cthuhlu old gods using the digital signal as a gateway to enter the earth plane and destroy the universe).

What the technology does is similar to what happens with MP3s” says the Palin Patch creator, Kip Fraunhofer. “It cuts out the irritating shrill notes that are audible to the human ear. What we’ve found with Palin, though, is that once you remove the shrill notes all you are left with is folksy sayings, parroted memorized phrases, winks and the occasional head cock. Hardly worth listening to at that point.”

A similar development effort is underway to replace all utterances of the word “Maverick” with white noise. The McCain campaign responded with: “White Noise? Are you attempting to pull the race card?”

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Fans of Gene Rodenberry are delighted to hear that the 2008 presidential campaign has finally see the release of a previously top-secret “Palindome.” With the release of this incredible device, once marginalized members of society finally have a chance to win the candidacy of the President or Vice President of the United States.

Each marginalized demographic (women, black men, Irish-Americans, semi-senile senior citizens and even white trailer-trash from Alaska) has its pundits and believers.

It is common knowledge that candidates can’t be all things to all people. John Edwards (formerly running for the Democratic nomination) had the frustration of not being able to convincingly stand for the black or women’s vote. Mrs. Edwards explained that they “…can’t make John black, or a woman” (it is noted that he was able to be an adulterer, but we digress).

Now, with Palindome, they can.

Much like Star Trek’s Holodeck, the Palindome was created by government scientists that labored on the device for well over two decades. With the release of Windows Vista, they finally found a stable OS to run the sophisticated software, and released the device in time for the 2008 Presidential race, Now candidates have the ability to to simulate life-like experiences of what it is like to be an elderly white man, a black man, or even a female governor of a low population state.

This simulation allows candidates to validate their deeply held convictions, without the by-products of what it is actually like to be a disgruntled POW or a white woman with an underage teen daughter pregnant out of wedlock. And amazingly, just like in the Star Trek episode “The Inner Light” the candidates can live a lifetime’s worth of experiences in about 15 minutes (not counting the Windows Vista reboots).

Barack Obama, after exiting the Palindome, stated: “Now I understand the experiences that my opponent has gone through. I have been tortured. My arms broken. I cheated on my first wife after she was maimed in a traffic accident with rich debutantes. I flew into unexpected rages and have made rash, unreasoned decisions - like selecting a running-mate with absolutely no credentials.”

McCain had a similar revelation: “I feel great sympathy with black women everywhere, since, through the technology of the Palindome, I am able to understand, through a lifetimes experience of being a black woman, your particular issues.” Aides whispered in his ears for an awkward moment, and he then added, “What I meant was experiencing what it was like to live the life of a black MAN.” Then he was gingerly led off-stage.

Not surprisingly, Sarah Palin was actually the first to enter the Palindome (hence it was named after her) and went into an alternate reality where she experienced what it was like to be a politically savvy, smart, well-connected and knowledgeable Senator of the state of New York. Still, the experience apparently had no effect on her.

Scientist have resolved that while the Palindome can have you experience the simulated life of another person, it can’t make up for your own stupidity.

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“Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?”

Deep in a bunker somewhere up in the Great White North, an evil firm specializing in robotic technology has secretly created life-like robotic drones, and have unleashed them quietly into the world.

Nick-named “Palin-drones” these robotic menaces have been created with one objective in mind: to act as mirror-opposites of themselves. That is, they begin by assuming a normal political position, and establish firm firm convictions and opinions. Then, within the course of a small period of time (say, a presidential political election cycle), the Palin-drones quickly change their opinions and come out sharply against themselves.

Palin-drones have been known to even vote against bills they co-authored. Equipped with dual-core processors (with each processor maintaining a separate identity and political position), these drones have already fooled nearly half of the US population.

Luckily, skeptics and anyone with half a brain are able to pick out a Palin-drone from a real person. Still, to date, two top-of-the line models still exist with an objective of undermining US society.

The Maverick08

This is a drone with a curmudgeonly attitude. He often is angry and spiteful, and only smirks - not smiles. Some of his recorded reversals:

1. The Maverick08 insisted that everyone, even “terrible killers,” “the worst kind of scum of humanity,” and detainees at Guantanamo Bay, “deserve to have some adjudication of their cases,” even if that means “releasing some of them.” He even indicated that Gitmo should be closed. He now believes the opposite.
2. He was against waterboarding and torture until February of this year - now he’s for it.
3. When his political opponent indicated that he wanted to go to Pakistan to fight terrorist, the Maverick08 criticized him for it - now he’s for it (wanting to follow them to the “gates of hell”)
4. He wanted to kick Russia out of the G8, and then he didn’t, and then he did again.
5. The Maverick08 is both for and against a “rogue state rollback”
6. This drone once said about the war in Iraq: “We will win this conflict. We will win it easily.”Four years later he said that he knew all along that it was “probably going to be long and hard and tough.”
7. The Maverick08 flip-flopped on a number of positions related to Social Security
8. He was against making Martin Luther King a national holiday, now he’s for it.
9. He was for equal rights for gays (including gay marriage) and women, but now he’s come out against it.
10. He was for a woman’s right to choose before he was against it.

A full list of all 76 policy reversals can be found at The Carpetbagger Report.

“Do geese see God?”

The HockeyMILF-o-tron

The second model, called the HockeyMILF-o-tron, was just recently unleashed on the public, and already has recorded a stunning set of reversals in position, including:

1. She was for the “Bridge to Nowhere” before she was against it (and she still kept the money for it!)
2. She is for women voters, but against giving them a right to choose.
3. She was against wind-power and clean coal projects, before she was for it.
4. She thought that Hilary Clinton was whining during the campaign, and then she praised her for her successes in the campaign.

More have been pointed out by Keith Oberman on a recent TV program:

• Sarah Palin’s Lies and Flip-Flops Part 1
• Sarah Palin’s Lies and Flip-Flops Part 2

“No, it never propagates if I set a gap or prevention”

Other Palin-drones are being discovered on a daily basis, since the Republican National Convention. They include

The KarlRove-o-matic (aka Pasty-head):

And the Papa-BearX8000:

“Some men interpret nine memos”

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A new study by George Picken & Calvin McCracken released today entitled “Attempting to measure ROI on Web 2.0 Companies - Why Sisyphus Had it Easier” revealed an alarming statistic: 67% of all Web 2.0 statistics are made up on the fly, based on only anecdotal evidence.

George Picken reciting statistics that he just made up

“It’s really amazing” stated Picken, “Not only are the statistics completely unreal, nearly 95% of the time these false statistics are made by people with a peripheral knowledge of  Web 2.0!”

“What’s more surprising are the demographics,” added McCracken, “80% of these false statistics are made up by men aged 25-40. The second largest group are transgendered people aged 90+ at an incredible 17.3%...or so I’ve heard.”

Calvin McCracken, known recluse
and his wife, posturing

Based on a rough survey they did at various local coffee shops around town, Picken & McCracken’s study went on to reveal more surprising data:

• 53% of Web 2.0 companies are created with no plan to make money, and from that group only 24% of them actually survive the first year
• 12% of Web 2.0 services are geared to Mac users exclusively, which matches the commonly believed 8% market penetration of Macs within the home computer user segment
• The three fastest growing Web 2.0 services are:

microblogging (at 33% over the previous year),

social network applications (with a steady average 15% growth rate for the past 6 years)

mashups (with a sharp spike of 42.2%, this year over previous)

Picken & McCracken’s study is expected to cause ripples into the blogosphere (83.4% of all news is transmitted throughout the web through blogs, the study has found).

“Now that it’s published online, it’s gotta be true,” said Picken.

“Yeah, once it’s on the internet it’s part of the collective reality,” added McCracken, “It happens 93.47% of the time.”

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