Much confusion was generated on the internet this weekend when Google searches for “Governor Palin” resulted in websites related to former Monty Python regular performer Michael Palin. One reporter under that false impression interviewed Michael Palin, as excerpted below:
Reporter: How does it feel to be chosen as the running mate for the Republican ticket for the presidency?
Michael Palin: I think you must be confusing me with a different ‘Palin’
Reporter: Your name is ‘Palin” correct?
Michael Palin: Why yes, but –
Reporter: And you have been selected as the Vice Presidential running mate for Senator McCain?
Michael Palin: I’m sorry, but that is not the case
Reporter: Well, that’s just a technicality, isn’t it? I mean if Google thinks you have been selected as the Republican Vice Presidential runningmate, then it must be true, right?
Michael Palin: No, it is not, it is absolutely false!
Reporter: Look, you’re a ‘Palin’ and Senator McCain selected a ‘Palin’ as a runningmate, right?
Michael Palin: Right, but –
Reporter: Well then, that’s established. So, how does it feel to be selected as the Vice Presidential candidate of a man one heartstroke away from leaving you with the presidency?
Michael Palin: I was NOT selected as a US Vice Presidential candidate! In fact, I’m British, I mean, can’t you tell by my accent! I can’t even be selected as a running mate! And just because it comes up in Google, doesn’t mean it’s automatically true!
Late Tuesday night, it was finally established that Michael Palin was not a the governor of a medium-sized state for less than two years, but arguably more experienced than Governor Sarah Palin, the most inexperienced person on a major-party ticket in modern history. This has effectively made the McCain bid for president dead-on-arrival:
(with apologies to Monty Python):
The Dead Presidential Candidate Sketch
A Republican voter enters the Republican National Convention.
Republican voter: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The RNC Chairman does not respond.)
Republican voter: ‘Ello, Miss?
RNC Chairman: What do you mean “miss”?
Republican voter: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
RNC Chairman: We’re closin’ for Gustav.
Republican voter: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this presidential candidate what I voted not a year ago from this very state.
RNC Chairman: Oh yes, the, uh, the McCain Watwaseetinkin…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with him?
Republican voter: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with him, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with him!
RNC Chairman: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting.
Republican voter: Look, matey, I know a dead presidential candidate when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
RNC Chairman: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable candidate, the McCain Watwaseetinkin, idn’it, ay? Beautiful history!
Republican voter: His history don’t enter into it. He’s stone dead.
RNC Chairman: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!
Republican voter: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the television) ‘Ello, Mister Polly Presidential candidate! I’ve got a lovely fresh new wife for you if you show…
(RNC Chairman hits the television)
RNC Chairman: There, he moved!
Republican voter: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the television!
RNC Chairman: I never!!
Republican voter: Yes, you did!
RNC Chairman: I never, never did anything…
Republican voter: (yelling and hitting the television repeatedly) ‘ELLO MCCAIN!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!
(Takes presidential candidate out of the television and thumps its head on the counter. Throws him up in the air and watches him plummet to the floor.)
Republican voter: Now that’s what I call a dead presidential candidate.
RNC Chairman: No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!
Republican voter: STUNNED?!?
RNC Chairman: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! McCain Watwaseetinkin stun easily, major.
Republican voter: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That presidential candidate is definitely deceased, and when I voted for him in the primaries not a year ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to him bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged campaign.
RNC Chairman: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the rice paddies.
Republican voter: PININ’ for the RICE PADDIES?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got home?
RNC Chairman: The McCain Watwaseetinkin prefers keepin’ on his back! Remarkable conservative, id’nit, squire? Lovely history!
Republican voter: Look, I took the liberty of examining that presidential candidate when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that he had been sitting on his stool in the
first place was that he had been NAILED there.
RNC Chairman: Well, o’course he was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that conservative down, he would have nuzzled up to those voters, bent ’em apart with his promises, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Republican voter: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this conservative wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!
RNC Chairman: No no! ‘E’s pining!
Republican voter: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This presidential candidate is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the stool ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE!!
RNC Chairman: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of presidential candidates.
Republican voter: I see. I see, I get the picture.
RNC Chairman: I got an Alaskan guv’nor.
Republican voter: Pray, does she know any foreign policy?
RNC Chairman: Nnnnot really.
Republican voter: WELL SHE’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS SHE?!!???!!?
RNC Chairman: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Republican voter: Well.
RNC Chairman: (quietly) D’you…. d’you want to come back to my place?
Republican voter: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.