Submitted by David Thomas, at www.buzzcut.com
(Mountain View, CA) After years of engineering investment and marketing hyperbole, search engine giant Google came clean last week at its Mountain View headquarters that the “ ” promise was just a bunch of castles in the sky.
“At Google, we have a fine tradition of thinking big and letting our imagination run wild as we try to glimpse the great big tomorrow of the Internet,” said company spokesman Brandon Clearky. “But we also have a core corporate value of ‘doing no harm’. So despite some intense internal debate–and, honestly, some pretty heated flame wars on the internal message boards—we decided we shouldn’t lie to people just to keep our stock price up.”
At issue in the Google announcement is the future viability of cloud computing, a concept that envisions users with simple, low-end, low-cost machines connecting to a massive online computer network that manages the bulk of processing and file management.
“This is pretty much what Sun was pushing 10 years ago and the thing that has since pretty much put them out of business,” noted Paul Morgan Stanley market analyst Hester Cocklin.
Wall Street investors, intent on maintaining their seven-figure salaries in the face of economic meltdown, have staunchly supported the cloud concept for year as sound, fundamental business. But with a storm of consumer expectation rolling in, the promise of the cloud has quickly dissipated.
Said one Stanley Morgan Morgan Analyst, on condition of anonymity, “Sure, the whole cloud computing thing seemed pretty much pie in the sky from the very beginning. I mean, seriously, Google Docs is neat but who wants a word processor that can’t format tables correctly What, is this Word 7? Hello!
“But what choice did we have? Without gee whiz tech to over-promise, we might as well just hand the entire country over the Chinese rather than wait for the trade imbalance to do it for us. Count me out on that Chariman Mao!”
Sources close to Google leadership describe the cloud computing concept as “A great idea that seems more plausible when you are driving 100 mph down the Pacific Coast highway with a hot blonde way out of your league and wearing poorly fitting designer clothes in a car bought with inflated Google stock.”
“But when you look at the fundamentals of storing everything in the world for everyone in the world data and doing all the computation for everything in the world,” explain corporate watchdog Doug Doolie, “Well, in that case, it’s all a little bit Star Trek don’t you think Mr. Data?”
For its part, Google promises the cloud computing debacle will blow over soon.
“It’s not like Google to not to make money hand over fist while reaching the sort of approval rating that would make Jesus weep, ” said Clearky. “Besides, when Microsoft gets wind of our Candyland operating system plans or our intention pay out Ad Sense accounts with vials of real Unicorn blood, well, hey, then it’s all just gonna be forgive and forget.”