“Look, we realize that every time we launch a Google product, it’s a big deal,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt in a press conference last night, “When we first launched Wave, we were handing out invitations like they were Golden Tickets to our chocolate factory. But, honestly, have you ever tried to use the service? I’m the CEO, and even I can’t figure it out. It’s a natural evolution of this product.”

In response, hundred of developers throughout the world gathered together to create a “Wave” to attempt an online collaborative discussion that could be updated in real-time, and integrated with their gmail accounts. After a few failed attempts, they turned to Twitter instead.

“This is what happens when you launch a product built by engineers for engineers,” added Schmidt. “And do I have to remind you - we never released it from beta, anyway.”

Schmidt did not respond to rumors that Google Buzz will be renamed Google Buzzkill, and that both products would be integrated into their competitive social network, Google Meh.

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“I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.”
-    Lloyd Dobbler in “Say Anything”

Twitter has become Ads masked as tweets. Everyone is advertising how “bleeding edge” they are, trumpeting their services along with the antics of their cat, so as to appear “real” and not as the advertising/branding/marketing machine they really are.  But, at the same time they subscribe to Google alerts, Alltop and other news pushers, just so they can tweet about just-in-time news events so as to appear “relevant” and “in the know.”

Automation
Automation has entered Twitter, with twit-bots  from Guy Kawasaki’s Alltop,  et al. It leverages the machines instant monitoring of certain subjects, and tweets for you on the subjects you want to focus on.  The stream of tweets enters the twitter-sphere with the advantages of real-time twitter-stream, providing endless grist for the online mill.

Why use automation? Because it works. Just ask Google. They stomped Yahoo because Yahoo was a human-driven directory, and Terminator movies and Saberhagen’s Berserker books notwithstanding, in a war between smart machines and human catalogers, the machine wins.

You will be assimilated
Whiners will say: but that’s not human! That’s not the point of Twitter! Twitter is about the free exchange of ideas, and my cat, and Ashton Kutcher!

Wrong! You fail. Twitter is more about news scoops, advertising, marketing and one-on-one pay-per-minute webscams.  It’s about recruiting an army of twaves, and spamming everyone with your marginal ideas.

Discourse takes time and thought and more than 140 characters. Twitter is the virtual watercooler, the raison d’être of the World of Warcraft jetset, the 30 second attention span theatre of our decaying braintrust.  What Brave New World are we entering when everyone tries to outdo everyone else on outing the death of Michael Jackson, and as a result take down the internet?  Okay, okay, so TMZ scooped his death, now shut the f up.

But Twitter is about relationships – not!
How do you have a relationship with over a million followers? Twitter is a broadcast medium, kinda like a text talk radio.  Subscribers subscribe so you can tell them what to think. Dialogues happen, just like in talk radio, but by your choice.

Twitter seems more like high school cliques, with people grouping themselves by interests: the Jocks with the other jocks and cheerleaders, Freaks outside in the smoking area, and the Thespians divining a route through. They market to themselves, trying to build each other up, gain followers to send pronouncements to, with the final result being self-defeating.  The reality is: no one cares. We live in a selfish world with selfish interests. Everyone is talking to hear themselves talk. The end game is that Twitter will eat itself. It will be abandoned the instant it either A) charges money, or B) The next big marketing platform comes along.

The lemmings, they are a-leaping!
Join the twaves, get caught up in the mindless tweeting and re-tweeting, hoping it gets you somewhere, even when “somewhere” is at the bottom of a cliff. The death spiral welcomes you – at the speed of 140 characters a minute.

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Satire is not dead, but is somewhat stalled in this economy. What with Steve Jobs not presenting at MacWorld, we all have to focus on our health and economic stability. Will the internet kill TV? Will Microsoft actually embrace cloud computing? Whatever happened to Palindrones?

If you are a writer, comedian or just a snarky observer of Web 2.0 tecnologies, and want to earn pennies per click…the internet (and moreover, yooRyoo) is for you. Submit your ideas and stories to us, and we’ll gladly present them to our loyal audience…

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“I am not sure if they are trying to game the system, or just simply are playing a massive multi-player search engine game (MMPSEG) with Google,” said George Picken, author of the study,  “Either way, the search engine results are just downright whack.”

Co-author Calvin McCracken observed, “Do these people expect to yield actual results based on their search terms? Maybe they’re trying to mess with Google’s search algorythms.”

The study results have proven to be true in real life examples. Over the past year, leading social media/web 2.0 satire site www.yooRyoo.com has been tracking Google search terms that lead people to their website. Just today, they released their Top 20 List of actual search terms that led users to their site:

20  - horse industrial revolution

19 - vpilf clone

18 - shopping senior citizens pictures

17 - “webcam girl” rules “never look”

16 - sharpei pups

15 - elderly + web2.0+use

14 - what happens when you smoke crack

13 - how do you reach senior citizens

12 - rick astley 2008 president

11 - scary chuck norris pictures

10 - what do Americans think about Nigerians

9 - chuck norris kick

8 - “don’t screw around with me maverick”

7 - booty social network

6 - create a virtual turd

5 - yahoo is a suckass liberal trash

4 - sexy naked furbies

3 - japanese, girl, fartng

2 - engine that runs on furbies

1 - steve jobs naked

“It just doesn’t make sense,” stated yooRyoo on their blog posting today, “Are people really typing in these things into Google? And how are these terms leading to us? Don’t web searchers have anything better to do?”

Picken and McCracken were rumored to be smug about their findings.

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If you want to buy any of the below special offers, please email your credit card information to an undisclosed Nigerian bank where we hold our accounts.

Happy Holidays!

On the 12th day of Christmas, yooRyoo gave to me….

Twelve free lives in the popular First-Person Shooter game Miracle at St. Obama

Eleven dollars off your first purchase at Sarah Palin’s discount online clothing store, YouBetcha.com

Ten lines of original source code for Microsoft’s “Chrome browser” competitor - Rust

Nine free profile listings (with endorsement by Chuck Norris) on the social network - MyFistYourFacebook.com

Eight free in-game advertising placements left over from the failed McCain In-Game Ad Campaign

Seven month free subscription to inter-office dating platform - Snatch!

Six free “wife” avatars in the virtual online game “Second Wife”

Fffffiiivvvvve OnStarbucks

Four pictures from LOLroadkill

Three Tap-o-wiki’s

Two free shots of Google Juice

and a Toot in a disabled Palin-drone robot!

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December 15, 2008 - SpikeTV Video Game Awards announces controversial first person shooter - “Nail the President!”

During the SpikeTV VGA World Premiere, a suprise entry was previewed, called “Nail the President!”

Gamers have a choice of RPGs, rifles, hand guns, or even, as the video shows, acting as an Iraqi reporter and hurling shoes during a press conference.  You also have the choice of spouting different epithets, such as “This is your farewell kiss, you dog!” or “Merry f*#king Christmas, you overgrown santa’s elf you!” or even, our favorite “What’s the frequency, Kenneth!”

The advanced graphics and realistic setting had news agencies confused as they released the video game segment as an actual news event.

I can’t believe CNN, Fox News and the other agencies reported this as real news, ” replied Dangerous Games producer Wan Dzen. “I mean, c’mon, President Bush can’t move that fast. It’s obviously cgi.”  He adds, “And Iraqi reporters are well-known as deadly accurate shoe throwers - in real life, W wouldn’t stand a chance.”

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In the midst of corruption allegations and the call for him to resign his post (before he’s led off in handcuffs), Governor Rod Blagojevich proposed today to liquidate the Illinois government’s budget, and convert all funds to create an online gambling site sponsored by the state.

“Look, it’s f&*$ing obvious that there’s money to made here,” he stated outside his office in Chicago, “All Illinoisans should get off their a@@’s , log-on and ante up for a state-wide virtual 5-card Texas Hold ‘Em game, you f$%#$ers.”

FBI investigators were shocked to hear about the new direction the soon-to-be indicted governor was planning to take with the state budget.

“To say I am speechless is using too many words,” said lead investigator, Deputy Arnold Elliott Smith, “I am bleeping speechless.”

Starting tomorrow, most of the Illinois budget will be liquidated and moved to off-shore gaming facilities, if Blagojevich has his way. Agencies and groups depending on these funds will then have the ability to reclaim their funds through Blackjack, Virtual Strip Poker and Craps games.

When asked where the profits will be funneled to, Blagojevich commented, “F&%$ you” and then promptly went inside to coiff his hair.

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Then don’t post anything on the web.

However, if you are a fan of yooRyoo and think you have the intestinal fortitude to spew publish for our site (that is, you can form complete sentences and walk at the same time and are somewhat humorous), then we want you!

Simply fill out our Submissions form, and, if you bribe us pass the audition, we’ll steal grab up your content, package it up with nasty people doing nasty things pretty pictures and animated GIFs, and spew publish it, giving you partial full credit (because, lord knows, we wouldn’t want to be directly associated with that masterpiece dreck).

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yooRyoo has discovered some startling news: future President Obama is partial to neither the Microsoft or Apple MP3 players, and instead prefers to use a Rio PMP300 as his personal electronic music device.

“Look, my Rio is a special heirloom that was given to me by my ex-rival McCain,” Obama stated during an impromptu press conference in an Akron, OH “Curves for Men” on Monday, “It’s reminiscent of the epic battle the Arizona senator staged…and lost…on a national front. It’s a reminder a time forgotten when there was only a 32MB capacity - which means one could play almost five whole songs at a time for nearly 30 minutes at a stretch.”

When asked which songs he has loaded on his Rio Player, the President-elect’s spokesperson distributed a sheet containing the following tracks:

• “Circus” by Brittney Spears
• “If I Were a Boy” by Beyonce
• “Heartless” by Kayne West
• “Rehab” - by Amy Winehouse
• and 1/2 of “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey

As a follow up, Barack Obama added, “In this tough economy, I ask all Americans to sacrifice in a small way to help better the country. By the way, does anyone have any AA batteries I could borrow?”

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Happy Friday, everyone! On today’s Friday Fishwrap, we’re featuring a few light-hearted videos from the  animated site RatherGood.com. You might remember their animations from a Quizno’s commercial a few years ago, or you just may generally recognize the style. We’re featuring two of their most “consumer-friendly” videos: Ninja and Viking Cats…but be sure to visit their site, and check out other hits like “We Like the Moon” and “Gay Bar”

Their videos are fun, sometimes controversial, and very entertaining! Enjoy your Friday…and don’t trample anyone while shopping this weekend!

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