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Google Engineers Admit: Cloud Computing Up in the Air

cboyer — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 13:28:06 +0000

Submitted by David Thomas, at www.buzzcut.com

(Mountain View, CA) After years of engineering investment and marketing hyperbole, search engine giant Google came clean last week at its Mountain View headquarters that the “cloud computing” promise was just a bunch of castles in the sky.

“At Google, we have a fine tradition of thinking big and letting our imagination run wild as we try to glimpse the great big tomorrow of the Internet,” said company spokesman Brandon Clearky. “But we also have a core corporate value of ‘doing no harm’. So despite some intense internal debate–and, honestly, some pretty heated flame wars on the internal message boards—we decided we shouldn’t lie to people just to keep our stock price up.”

At issue in the Google announcement is the future viability of cloud computing, a concept that envisions users with simple, low-end, low-cost machines connecting to a massive online computer network that manages the bulk of processing and file management.

“This is pretty much what Sun was pushing 10 years ago and the thing that has since pretty much put them out of business,” noted Paul Morgan Stanley market analyst Hester Cocklin.

Wall Street investors, intent on maintaining their seven-figure salaries in the face of economic meltdown, have staunchly supported the cloud concept for year as sound, fundamental business. But with a storm of consumer expectation rolling in, the promise of the cloud has quickly dissipated.

Said one Stanley Morgan Morgan Analyst, on condition of anonymity, “Sure, the whole cloud computing thing seemed pretty much pie in the sky from the very beginning. I mean, seriously, Google Docs is neat but who wants a word processor that can’t format tables correctly What, is this Word 7? Hello!

“But what choice did we have? Without gee whiz tech to over-promise, we might as well just hand the entire country over the Chinese rather than wait for the trade imbalance to do it for us. Count me out on that Chariman Mao!”

Sources close to Google leadership describe the cloud computing concept as “A great idea that seems more plausible when you are driving 100 mph down the Pacific Coast highway with a hot blonde way out of your league and wearing poorly fitting designer clothes in a car bought with inflated Google stock.”

“But when you look at the fundamentals of storing everything in the world for everyone in the world data and doing all the computation for everything in the world,” explain corporate watchdog Doug Doolie, “Well, in that case, it’s all a little bit Star Trek don’t you think Mr. Data?”

For its part, Google promises the cloud computing debacle will blow over soon.

“It’s not like Google to not to make money hand over fist while reaching the sort of approval rating that would make Jesus weep, ” said Clearky. “Besides, when Microsoft gets wind of our Candyland operating system plans or our intention pay out Ad Sense accounts with vials of real Unicorn blood, well, hey, then it’s all just gonna be forgive and forget.”

Miracle at St. Obama - reality based video game

zenboy — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 14:33:29 +0000

Reality based video games are nothing new. Some examples are the Sims, as well as such titles as Guitar Hero and even the games such as Grand Theft Auto.

There’s now a new video game called “Miracle at St. Obama” – a reality based game where the “Mission Impossible” is to get us out of a war, prevent a recession/depression, prevent Russian encroachment on the eastern front, gain support for universal healthcare, and start the long road to an economic recovery.

Instead of the typical male teen mindset of “let’s blow sh– up!’ this is a new concept in reality based gaming modelled on the toughest job in the world in one of the toughest of times - right here, right now. In this game you play America’s first black president. Hopes are high that you are able to accomplish such miracles as prevent the fall of our nation’s auto industry, fight two wars, gain the respect and cooperation of the opposing political party, unite your own liberal base, among all the other myriad problems or, as Obama would say “Opportunities for Change” with a capital “C.”

The game has options for other “Fantasy presidents” such as a McCain or Hilary Clinton presidency, and even a Sarah Palin Presidency based on the untimely death of a fantasy McCain President, and how she deals with incursions into the Georgian territory, “Well, we’ll just send our troops to the south, you betcha!” is one canned response.

Real time updates add realism to the game as the game is updated on a nightly schedule to make the game coincide with actual events in the world happening today.

There are even “hidden levels” that reveal an Arnold Schwartzenegger presidency (just need to remove the requirement of a candidate being from this country!), and “what if” scenarios such as “What if aliens landed!”

The game is guaranteed to provide hours of fun, otherwise there is a full 4 years no questions asked return policy to a period of worldwide disapprobation, war and economic turmoil.

President-elect Obama asked to remove all traces of himself on the internet

cboyer — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:22:38 +0000

The White House announced over the weekend that President-elect Barack Obama will have to remove all traces of himself from the internet, due to the Presidential Records Act. This includes not only giving up his Blackberry, but also removing all social networking profiles, public campaign websites, and any mention of him in blog postings and/or news reports.

“Due to the private nature and high security level associated with the Presidency, Obama will have to stop using email, updating his Facebook status and sending our ‘tweets’ to his more than 102,000 followers on Twitter,” a top aide stated over the weekend, “In fact, he’s going to have to go off-line completely - limiting his access to printed information only…and even that material would be more than a week old, to ensure it’s properly ‘vetted’.”

This news apparently caused much concern with the president-elect (in some circles dubbed “Obama 2.0“), who is apparently addicted to posting links, funny videos from the campaign trail and MP3s of his favorite bands on his MySpace account.

Major social media outlets have been asked to comply, including popular sites such as YouTube, Hulu.com and Friendfeed being asked to “purge” any video, audio or text stories that make any reference to the president-elect.

Obama’s latest YouTube “fireside chat” has already been blocked, and replaced with a Rick Astley video (however, yooRyoo has obtained a secret link to the video here):

A much bigger impact will be felt within the blogosphere itself - where already right-wing “anti-Obama” blog writers are complaining that they will have no more material to rant about.

“They can’t do this - it’s un-American,” said Matt Drudge late Sunday night, “I am just finishing up a piece about how Barack claims to wear boxer-briefs but really ‘goes commando‘…they can’t take away my livelihood!”

Even websites friendly to the new president are concerned: Slate.com and Politico.com have filed for “special exemption” status, promising to become exclusive online propaganda outlets for the new administration.

When asked for an official response from the president-elect, all emails bounced back with an “Undeliverable” error.

Friday Fishwrap (11-14-08): “How to Behave on a Forum”

cboyer — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 13:10:49 +0000

Happy Friday! On today’s Friday Fishwrap we reveal to you the results of last Sunday’s “Is It Real?” and then share with you a fun, geeky video we found on the www…ready to get started?

Last Sunday, we presented Hamsterster - a social networking site, along the lines of Dogster and Catster, where Hamster owner could create profiles for their furry rodents and share them with fellow Hamster-owners (”Have you seen Mr. Cuddlewinks profile - I just uploaded new pics of him in his plastic ball!”). Then we asked you to vote, if it’s indeed real. Here are the results:

29% thought it was real
29% thought it wasn’t
43% weren’t sure (and voted “maybe”)

The real answer - Hamsterster is INDEED REAL!!! And check out these fun pictures pulled from the site (of Patchy, Twinkle Toes and Mr. Bothari, respectively):

I am not sure I should be disturbed by Hamsterster, or just accept it. Anyway, now on to our video:

This Friday Fishwrap clip was forwarded to me by Jerimiah Owyang, and I thought would make a perfect - albeit geeky - video inclusion in today’s posting. Please enjoy, “How to Behave on a Forum”

How To Behave On A Forum - Funny videos are here

With that, have a great weekend! Tune in this weekend for a Special Obama2.0 update post!

YouBetcha.com - Sarah Palin launches online shopping/auction site

cboyer — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 13:06:24 +0000

In a surprising career turn, Sarah Palin - in the midst of her hectic talk-show circuit - announced this week that she will be launching her very own online shopping and auction site. Tentatively entitled YouBetcha.com, the site will feature name-brand clothing and other items at discount pricing, available for direct sale or for auction, “eBay-style”.

Clothing from Nieman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue and even Walmart will be offered at 50%, 60%, even 70% off list pricing. In addition, a number of “slightly used snow machines” and a variety of 2008 political merchandise will be immediately posted to the site at cut rates.

Further negotiations are underway to acquire a number of household items - at bargain-basement prices. When reached for comment, Sen. Ted Stevens indicated he had no knowledge of such transactions. “Take me to court if you want to prove anything,” he added, eluding further questions.

Expected to cause quite a stir with online shoppers in the holiday season, Palin will formally launch the site during her appearance on The View this week, along with a strong Search Engine Marketing push later this month.

“A lot of people have been telling me that I have strong competition from Amazon,” Palin stated, “But I know that’s gotcha-marketing…the Amazon’s in the country of Africa, which is far from the Alaskan Tundra where I’m at…I can’t even see it from here!”

Anticipated social media conference ends early due to no cell, wireless or power access

cboyer — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 15:52:00 +0000

San Francisco - One of the most highly anticipated social media/web 2.0 conferences of the year ended much earlier than expected today due to poor planning on the organizers. What was hailed as the “must attend event of the year,” the Social Web Extravaganza Business Expo (SWEBE) was forced to shut down three days early due to lack of access to a cell phone or wireless signal, and no usable power outlets.

“Look, we warned attendees well in advance,” said event organizer F.T. Bailey, “it’s even part of the byline of the event - ‘Prepared to be charged and connected’…look at the sign!” Mr. Bailey added, pointing to a banner in an empty auditorium.

Almost immediately, problems began to surface when excited seminar attendees were routed to the concrete basement of the hotel. Cell phone signals were immediately lost, causing audible groans to rise from the auditorium.

Then, things took a turn for the worst when it was discovered that absolutely no wireless signal was available throughout the entire building: “Our apologies,” stated a recorded message that repeated over the loudspeakers, “in an effort to curtail costs, internet connectivity is currently not available. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

To add insult to injury, it was soon discovered that only one power outlet was available throughout the entire conference area, and it wasn’t compatible with any known electronic plug. One attendee took this picture on his iPhone, just before the device lost battery power:

When reached for comments, agitated attendees were quick to weigh in on their concerns:

“No wifi, no cell phone coverage, no power…c’mon, it only took two hours before my Android phone shut off - this is unacceptable, and not worth the $250 price admission!”

“I couldn’t get on Twitter for more than 45 minutes…how are my peeps going to know how horrible the event was? I need to find an outlet quick, so I could Tweet this travesty!”

Event organizers, after making a variety of excuses, quickly ducked out a side-door, presumably to recharge, reconnect, and write “plausible deniability” posts on their blogs.

iGrrlfrend - when your “real” girlfriend just won’t do

zenboy — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 13:14:55 +0000

Had a late night argument with your lady friend? Girlfriend driving you nuts with her jealousy and angry texts? Is she ready to “commit” while you are planning your exit strategy? Or just can’t find your “perfect mate” on eHarmony or Match.com? No problem…

Introducing “iGrrlfrend” - a virtual girlfriend simulator that does exactly what you want, when you want it, at an affordable monthly subscription rate.

After subscribing to iGrrlfrend, users are directed to a dashboard, where they can begin crafting their own unique virtual girlfriend. Using the patented Dungeons & Dragons rating model, the iGrrlfrend Setup Wizard launches, allowing you to craft the “perfect” features (n a scale of 1 to 18) for your virtual girlfriend, including:

Hair color
Intelligence
Humor
Mood Swings
Measurements
Dexterity (if you know what I mean)
Rhythm (if you know what I mean)
Sex Appeal (if you know…er, never mind)

For those users that would rather bypass the Setup Wizard, they could select from the following templates:

Angelina Jolie
Marisa Miller
Scarlett Johansen
Jessica Alba
Roseanne Barr

Then, using the OpenID engine, iGrrlfrend scrolls and scrapes through your existing social networks and online identies, and pulls in relevant information about you - your hobbies, pictures of you and your friends, musical tastes, etc.

Within five business days, your iGrrlfrend’s identity is created, and she will automatically “friend” you on Facebook, change your relationship status, and upload PhotoShopped pictures of you and her together - at bars and on “romantic getaways” to exotic locales like Milpitas, CA.

If opting in to the “Platinum” level, online avatars will also be created, “marrying” you on SecondLife and fighting beside you as a Mage Level 45 on World of Warcraft.

Other advanced features of iGrrlfrend will allow you to receive text messages, stating “Where the hell R U at - come home now!” or Twitter messages stating: “My friends saw you talking with that girl - who is she? Call me now!”

Plans are in the works to create an alternate iBoifrend - where female users can select from a bevvy of nerdy, overweight men that are actually real and desperate to make human contact in any form. The cost to enroll in iBoifrend are - obviously - much cheaper.

Is It Real #14: Is Hamsterster really a social network for your Hamster?

cboyer — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 12:42:04 +0000

Welcome to this Sunday’s edition of “Is It Real?” where we present to you a Web 2.0 company/product/service, and ask you to guess - without the use of the internet at all - whether it’s real or not. We collect votes all week, and then the following Friday, we reveal the real answer. Ready to get started?

Today we feature an ever-popular niche that’s making its way to the internet - social networking for your pet. You may have heard of Dogster.com, or even Catster.com - social networking platforms where dog or cat owners can create online profiles for their lovable, furry friends.

Now we bring you Hamsterer - a social networking community for small, furry, rodents. No, this isn’t some horrible Richard Gere joke site - this site is legit, and gives Hamster owners a platform to write, blog and even Tweet about little “ChesterBee” or “Mr. SnuggleMuffin.” This social networking platform for Hamster lovers has proved to be a genuine international success!

So, dear yooRyoo readers, the task is upon you - without searching the web in any way - make a decision: is Hamsterer a real online community for Hamster owners, or are we making it up? Vote below and tune back in on Friday for the results:

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Friday Fishwrap (11-7-08): Everything Hologram

cboyer — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 13:40:10 +0000

Happy Friday, yooRyoo readers…as you know, at the end of every week, we post fun and interesting online videos, as a way to help celebrate the upcoming weekend! This week, with all the excitement surrounding the US Presidential Elections, CNN decided to roll out an exciting new merger of internet and TV!!!

No, I am not talking about Hulu…I mean their “Hologram” coverage. If you haven’t seen this already, here are two examples:

CNN’s will.i.am Hologram interview

I know what you’re thinking, this looks a lot like Star Wars…but it isn’t the first time hologram technology has been presented. Check out these examples:

Kate Moss in a 2006 Fashion Show

An interactive 3D hologram from lm3labs.com

Cool stuff, huh? Did you want to know how to you can make your very own hologram effect at home? Check out this easy tutorial:

Enjoy, have a great Friday…and come back Sunday for our next edition of “Is It Real?“

Emmit the Blade Runner to “retire” Palin-drones

zenboy — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 15:36:33 +0000

Senator Ted Stevens is the latest fallout from the discovery of Palin-drones in our nation’s government. Last week, Sen. Stevens - from Alaska - was convicted on corruption charges stemming from over $250,000 in home renovations (along with a massage chair, dog…).

Yet, begging incredulity, at this writing, Sen. Stevens might be possibly re-elected in Alaska, making him the only sitting Senator to be a convicted felon. How could that be? The answer is simple - Senator Ted Stevens is (yes, you guessed it!) a Palin-Drone (remember Palin-drones?)!!!

That’s where Emmit comes in…Emmit is a Blade Runner (made famous by the movie of the same name). His old job was to retire Replicants; now he retires Palin-Drones. Having been appointed a US District Court Judge, Emmit was assigned to the Senator’s case:

Bryant: I need ya, Ems. This is a bad one, the worst yet. I need the old blade runner, I need your magic.

Emmit: [narrating] They don’t advertise for killers in the newspaper. That was my profession. Ex-cop. Ex-blade runner. Ex-killer. Now, I’m just a judge taking down “Palin-drones”…

Emmit could stand the reversals on political viewpoints, even reversals in voting, but what he couldn’t stand by to watch was a rogue Palin-Drone, seemingly in it just for the graft: Senator Ted Stevens. What follows is testimony from last week’s closing deliberations in the Sen. Stevens trial:

U.S. District Judge Emmit Sullivan: [Emmet explains to Ted why he can't extend his Senate term] The facts of life… to make an alteration in the specifics of an organic legal system is fatal. A coding sequence cannot be revised once it’s been established.
Ted Stevens:Why not?
U.S. District Judge Emmit Sullivan: Because by the second day of deliberation, any Palin-Drones that have undergone reversion mutation give rise to revertant colonies like rats leaving a sinking ship; then the ship sinks.
Ted Stevens:What about EMS recombination?
Emmit: We’ve already tried it - abuse of power, voter tampering, looking the other way while an American city drowns as an alkalating agent and potent mutagen; it created a virus so lethal the subject was dead before it even left the table.
Stevens: Then a repressor protein; that would block the operating Palin-Drones.
Emmit: Wouldn’t obstruct replication, but it does give rise to an error in replication so that the newly formed DNA strand carries with it a mutation, and you’ve got a virus again… but this, all of this is academic. You were made as well as we could make you.
Stevens: But not to last.
Emmit: The light that burns twice as bright burns for half as long - and you have burned so very, very brightly, Ted. Look at you, you’re a US Senator; you’re quite a prize.
Stevens: I’ve done… questionable things.
Emmit: Also extraordinary things; revel in your time.
Stevens: Nothing the God of biomechanics wouldn’t put you in heaven for.

As of this writing, Senator Ted Stevens has still eluded being “retired” by Emmit - or as Emmit put it “He went rogue on us…just like that hot chick that ran for VP - and I don’t mean Darryl Hannah.” The Palin-drone Stevens remains on the loose, dangerous, and defiant.

When attempted to reach for comment, Sarah Palin was busy on the phone: presumably talking to the heads of foreign countries… (Audio here)

yooRyoo.com

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