Celebritech News: Chuck Norris releases “Virile Marketing” – other marketing types put on notice

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There is no \'ctrl\' button on Chuck Norris\'s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.Chuck Norris, in a surprise Web 2.0 venture, announced today a release of a new type of marketing destined to kick all other marketing forms’ collective asses – Virile Marketing.

When reached for comment, Chuck stated, “Look, I know all about all those other types of marketing – ‘traditional,’ ‘guerrilla,’ ‘online,’ ‘viral’…they’re all pansies and ineffective. Virile Marketing is so powerful, that it not only is 100% effective, it’s the Baby-Daddy of all marketing. I mean, it has impregnated all other forms of marketing and denied that it’s the father…and it doesn’t really care.”

Chuck Norris released the top reasons why Virile Marketing is better than all other forms:

10. Virile Marketing doesn’t have a “call to action” – it just waves its fists menacingly.

9. Virile Marketing is so powerful that instead of runnning ads, ads run from it.

8. Virile Marketing doesn’t have to build a marketing plan – it just kicks things in the face.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

7. There’s no such thing as “integrated marketing” – Virile Marketing doesn’t mix with anything.

6. You can’t “Search Engine Optimize” Virile Marketing, since Virile Marketing tells Google what should be number 1.

5. It take Virile Marketing 20 days to build a 90 day marketing plan.

4. Michael Phelps once tried to swim faster than Virile Marketing, but Virile Marketing beat him by 1/1000 of a second. And then roundhouse-kicked him for good measure.

 Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

3. When Virile Marketing heard about Hoffspace, it almost didn’t kick it’s ass it was laughing so hard…but then inflicted such serious pain on David Hasselhoff that no one in the world cared about “the Hoff” anymore.

2.Virile Marketing built a better mousetrap, but the world was too afraid to beat a path to its door.

1. There is only one thing more effective than Virile Marketing – Chuck Norris. But it would be a close fight.

When reached for comment, other forms of marketing refused to the answer their phone, for fear of retribution.

Guns don\'t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

4 COMMENTS

  1. The TRUTH about Virile Marketing. Don’t ask how it got its butt kicked by ???? in Way of the Market. Don’t ask it about the dinosaurs or why men have nipples. Don’t ask it about No Porko Do (Way of the Spammer). Don’t ask it about Mr. Tea.

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