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San Francisco - One of the most highly anticipated social media/web 2.0 conferences of the year ended much earlier than expected today due to poor planning on the organizers. What was hailed as the “must attend event of the year,” the Social Web Extravaganza Business Expo (SWEBE) was forced to shut down three days early due to lack of access to a cell phone or wireless signal, and no usable power outlets.

“Look, we warned attendees well in advance,” said event organizer F.T. Bailey, “it’s even part of the byline of the event - ‘Prepared to be charged and connected’…look at the sign!” Mr. Bailey added, pointing to a banner in an empty auditorium.

Almost immediately, problems began to surface when excited seminar attendees were routed to the concrete basement of the hotel. Cell phone signals were immediately lost, causing audible groans to rise from the auditorium.

Then, things took a turn for the worst when it was discovered that absolutely no wireless signal was available throughout the entire building: “Our apologies,” stated a recorded message that repeated over the loudspeakers, “in an effort to curtail costs, internet connectivity is currently not available. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

To add insult to injury, it was soon discovered that only one power outlet was available throughout the entire conference area, and it wasn’t compatible with any known electronic plug. One attendee took this picture on his iPhone, just before the device lost battery power:

When reached for comments, agitated attendees were quick to weigh in on their concerns:

“No wifi, no cell phone coverage, no power…c’mon, it only took two hours before my Android phone shut off - this is unacceptable, and not worth the $250 price admission!”

“I couldn’t get on Twitter for more than 45 minutes…how are my peeps going to know how horrible the event was? I need to find an outlet quick, so I could Tweet this travesty!”

Event organizers, after making a variety of excuses, quickly ducked out a side-door, presumably to recharge, reconnect, and write “plausible deniability” posts on their blogs.

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Let’s face it - death is inevitable. According to the latest study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, 99.97% of all people will experience death in some form or another. And with morbidity as such a chronic condition facing most people, online web 2.0 denizens have left behind messy trails of online postings, Twitter updates and photos.

Traditionally, these “expired” posts would remain online, stagnant and unchanging, until some tenacious reporter would highlight them in the press (usually in a morbid or tragic way), or some webmaster would delete the account for inactivity. Until now - introducing Sickr, and automated service that archives online personas after real-life people pass to the other side.

“It’s amazing how seamless this is,” describes the founder Kirk D’Bucket, “once a person in RL dies, it initiates an automated process which rolls through most major government agencies - the Motor Vehicle Department, Social Security Administration and the IRS. Sickr taps into that process feed, and  aggregates this notification out to all major social networks - FriendFeed, MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn, Google FriendConnect, Twitter, etc.” 

These online records are then passed, through OpenID, open-source platforms, to a designated “final resting place” on Sickr. All status are changed automatically to “expired” or “cease to exist” and little black x’s are Photoshopped over the individual’s eyes.

In a surprising mash-up, online “makeup artist” MyFacelift has been contracted to give these cold, lifeless online profiles one last makeover.

“Sickr is great,” commented Charleze Beezle, a 26 year old member of MySpace, “I kept IM’ing my ex and he never responded. I was beginning to think that he wasn’t interested in me anymore…and then I received a notification from Sickr, that indicated he died more than two weeks ago. Needless to say, I was relieved…I was beginning to think that it was me!”

While transferring “dead” online accounts to Sickr is provided free of charge, they have already introduced a premium service in an effort to monetize their business model.

“For people experiencing a fatal disease or simply for family members of elderly online denezins, they can sponsor a “Final Resting Place” on Sickr,” explains Kirk D’Bucket, “the final destinations would be ad-free locations, with customized wallpapers, streaming music and videos. We even provide customized URL’s for that special touch!”

There are currently three levels of premium service:

1. Bronze-level (aka “I Told Your I Was Sickr“)
2. Silver-level (aka “I Was Sickr Than You“)
3. Gold-level (aka “I Was Sickr and Now I Am Kickr“)

Celebrities have already jumped on the Sickr band-wagon, including Sarah Palin reserving the Gold-level location for an unnamed online celebrity. Her spokesperson stated, “We can’t tell you who it’s for - but let’s just say this guy has a lot of Facebook activity…even though he can’t use a computer!”

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Just banged the office admin, and now the tales of your lack of “sexpertise” are making the rounds at work? Do you look away as you pass your ex in the long hallway on your way to the water cooler? Groups of your ex’s cadre sistahs dissing you behind double-takes and half-covered faces, with sounds of derisive laughter ringing over the cubicle walls?

Despite the maxim: “never date a co-worker” (otherwise known as “don’t shit where you eat”), office romances still happen. One study showed that the place where we meet over 90% of friends and acquaintances is - you guessed it - at our places of employment.The odds are we’re going to hook up.

Since they can’t change the statistic, the makers of Snatch! decided to “tap into” this corporate zeitgeist by creating a new mashup, combining aspects the social networking site LinkedIn with the dating aspects of Match.com.

Now, instead of dating coworkers, you can leverage your LinkedIn connections for more than just employment contacts, but for dating and casual one-night sex connections as well. Hurting for a raise as well as needing a booty call? Why not combine both? Now with Snatch! you can!

With Snatch! you can virtually “wink” at a person at a different company that you may have met at a conference without running into interference from your HR department. Chatting on Snatch! about wanting to “hit that” is free of the risk of IT forwarding your risque emails to your meddlesome HR rep (to add to your already overflowing personnel folder). Now you can tap work-booty with impunity, and the next morning still go to the office with you head held high, (not avoiding eye contact as you typically do).

There has been talk of abuse on the network, such as users trying to “sleep their way to 500+ connections,” if you will, and CEOs using Snatch! as a sort of new feudalism - offering employees to other employers as a way to tie companies closer together (or to steal corporate secrets). The makers of Snatch! respond that while statistics show there is abuse on any social networking site, they try to discourage it by installing levels of security, such as permission-based connection building (otherwise known as “Snatch!” approval).

A contingent from those ever-invading Fuckus Focus on your own damn the Family are offended by the language used on the controls of Snatch! - such as the “Tap That!” button designed to initiate chat sessions, or the “Suckit!” button label which asks for a recommendation. They position that these languages encourage unsavory activities.

The makers of Snatch! are nonplussed: “We’re just having fun helping people to have some fun. By developing this platform, we are just making official the kind of relationships that happen anyway, in happy-hour and FAC functions. All without the ‘career-limiting’ aspects of dating and work.”

(Editors note: Snatch! is not related, except in a very parallel-ironic-universe kind of way, with the pron site snatch.com…not like we would know about those kind of websites anyway…).

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With the success of annoying user-generated sites such as www.ICanHasCheezburger.com and the Lolcats franchise, web 2.0 users now have an outlet to:

• Upload cutesy pics of animals
• Create silly (some would say stupid) alternate spellings of words in some ersatz and imagined view of what the cat in the photo would sound like if it could speak English (in this case, they call it LOLspeak)

This ever-popular (annoying) franchise has created similar-themed UGC sites such as LOLdogs, LOLrus (walrus), and the ever-popular LOLroadkill.

It was only a matter of time before inanimate objects would get the “LOL” treatment. In an effort to sate the insatiable appetite of online users wanting to present themselves as cute and smarmy, the makers of LOLroadkill have creates an entirely new user-generated social community entitled: Lolfurniture:

Immediately, online retail giants, such as Amazon, Walmart, and Target have modified their web-catalogues with the ability for users to “LOLspeak” their furniture wares. Now, not only can you find a great baby cradle online at a reasonable price, you can “LOL” yourself to sleep on it!

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Idea by Dave, thanks Dave!

In order to capture a niche market of web surfers, a new social networking platform has been announced. Sh*#tfaced is an open-source, social networking platform targeted at SUI’s (Surfers Under the Influence) - a growing demographic of online searchers.

With an easy interface, (so easy a drunk could use it, heh), users are able to design their social networking site into a dizzying array of animated backgrounds, simultaneously running videos and clashing music audio, much like how MySpace is like now. 

You are able to send drinks to unsuspecting TOA’s (Targets of Affection) and (totally hetero) man-crushes.

The current demographic is mostly males in their early twenties that are either in a frat house or would like to get into one. Very few women are  part of the Sh*#tfaced network, which tends to lead to virtual beer-can-crushed-against-the-forehead competitions, armwrestling, and endless virtual drinking games. Most comments displayed have a version of “This place is a sausagefest. Let bounce, brah.”

The photos displayed are typically lots of crowd shots in darkened interiors with harsh flash lighting on grinning people looking like they are really trying hard to manufacture some good ol’ alcoholic fun. Hey, it ain’t fun unless there’s at least one drunken brawl, don’tcha know.

Add photos, design an avatar for the 3D “Passout Party” room, and virtually drink the night away!

“It’s like a modern day vomitorium, totally Roman, bro. Or Latin or something. Whatever. Anyway’s it tits man, yeah tits,” comments one inebriated participant.

Test the limits of virtual alcohol poisoning with Sh*#tfaced!

Next stop: AlAnonster.

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In an effort not to be outdone by his democratic rival Barak Obama, John McCain is the angel investor behind a new communication service designed to directly appeal to his core base of Republican Senior Citizens.

“We know elderly senior citizens are aware of the web and sometimes use it,” said an unnamed McCain spokesperson from an undisclosed retirement community, “And not just to look up medication information. Remember, these old people also have lots of money. And they can’t take it with them…”

To reach this key base, the McCain campaign launched an incentive contest to create the best web technology to tap into this potential donor stream. First place was a $30 million prize (2nd place offered a free ride to anywhere in the continental US on the “StraightTalk Express”).

Luckily, the few remaining members of the College Republicans banded together their resources, and were quickly able to create FeedTube. FeedTube is a senior-friendly video/audio streaming application - complete with large web buttons for easy use and audio at 200% normal volume. McCain staff will be able to easily upload content - from standard traditional sources such as TV, cassette recorders and even eight-track - to an online platform.

Then, a team edits the content into a senior-friendly format - long, rambling edits that often wax poetic about the Great Depression, horse-drawn carriages and the Industrial Revolution. The final audio/video project is then transmistted not only online (through the FeedTube website), but also broadcast to senior homes throughout the country directly, for viewing.

“FeedTube allows us to feed this information directly to our target base,” said another unnamed spokesperson for the McCain campaign, “Sometimes these seniors have difficulty understanding - or swallowing - the political rhetoric. FeedTube allows us to easily stuff this information deep down into their gullets with no risk of them throwing it back up at us.”

It is noted that implementation of FeedTube within retirement homes and hospices must be done by licensed medical professionals.

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In a unique partnership between five major online social software platforms, the newly formed conglomerate MyGooglyFaceSpaceNewsCorp has already announced plans to release a major software application before the end of the year. Entitled, MyFaceLift, this unique application is designed to “scrape” all major social software applications, looking for new updates in statuses, interests, etc. These updates are then tagged and categorized in a massive database with unique timestamp indicators.

By a subscription service, users of MyFaceLift input a few key socio-economic indicators into a master-template, and then sit back and let MyFaceLift do the rest.

“Unlike most Web 2.0 companies, we have actually built this application with a revenue stream in mind,” said an un-named spokesperson for MyGoogleFaceSpaceNewsCorp, “we plan on selling all personal data we collect to online advertisers - particularly spammers”

“But, it’s important to note,” he went on, “that our users profiles will be the freshest, hippest and coolest on the web. There is no price for that kind of glory.”

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Let’s face it - we’re all sick of online predators creating false profiles and making social networks unsafe. It seems the only justice we could level is publicly humiliating them on national TV. But who has time to lurk online, entrapping these felons while capturing the whole incident on high-definition tape for your local television broadcast?

JailByte does - our company is comprised of social community “specialists” adept at creating fake profiles of teenage girls and boys. These specialists are trained in all aspects of teen culture - music, clothes, likes/dislikes and the newest teen texting trends. Then they lurk online, hoping to draw predators to their profiles, and set up a rendezvous at some undisclosed location (i.e. “a home where the parents are gone for a long weekend”) - little do they know, we are leading them into our state-of-the-art studio.

At our studio/house, JailByte employs the smarmiest interviewers that greet these unsuspecting felons at the front door, and inquire about their intentions, shove copies of licentious email transcripts in their face and ask why they brought beer to this meeting - and we capture it all on four cameras! Once the confrontation ends, our team quickly edits the tape into a six minute clip, properly packaged for your local media outlets! Shame and frustration awaits these predators - and your ratings will rise!

Note: due to legal complications, JailByte is unable to provide our services to aid and assist in any legal enforcement effort.

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We take the “social” out of social networking.

Why go through the trouble of creating a secret identity (so your boss won’t know), and then having to port it over from Friendster to Myspace and then to Facebook or whatever flavor of the month social media?

And what about the pain of informing your real friends of your new secret identity, and then the pain of getting your friends to port over as well?

Well, now your worries are over!

After filling out a short form we will create a new secret identity for you, complete with friends, friend comments, interests and more. We will even blog, comment and send out fake party and event notices to all your fake friends.

Be the life of the (virtual) party!

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A social media/networking/bookmarking aggregator that provides a single sign-on dashboard (using Open ID) for users to access all of their social networking applications. With a robust interface to most major Web 2.0 technologies (including Facebook, LinkedIn, Digg, Delicious, Stumbeleupon, YouTube, Hulu, Twitter and others), and email accounts (including Yahoo, Gmail, MSN, AOL, and others), this AJAX-enabled site is built an a scalable platform that is seamlessly integrated into all major search engines. Search and social combined into one easy-to-use interface.

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