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In the midst of corruption allegations and the call for him to resign his post (before he’s led off in handcuffs), Governor Rod Blagojevich proposed today to liquidate the Illinois government’s budget, and convert all funds to create an online gambling site sponsored by the state.

“Look, it’s f&*$ing obvious that there’s money to made here,” he stated outside his office in Chicago, “All Illinoisans should get off their a@@’s , log-on and ante up for a state-wide virtual 5-card Texas Hold ‘Em game, you f$%#$ers.”

FBI investigators were shocked to hear about the new direction the soon-to-be indicted governor was planning to take with the state budget.

“To say I am speechless is using too many words,” said lead investigator, Deputy Arnold Elliott Smith, “I am bleeping speechless.”

Starting tomorrow, most of the Illinois budget will be liquidated and moved to off-shore gaming facilities, if Blagojevich has his way. Agencies and groups depending on these funds will then have the ability to reclaim their funds through Blackjack, Virtual Strip Poker and Craps games.

When asked where the profits will be funneled to, Blagojevich commented, “F&%$ you” and then promptly went inside to coiff his hair.

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After rumors surfaced late last week that President-elect Obama was working out in a Philadelphia gym with a Zune MP3 player, journalist zealots have been desperate to resolve the Barack question “iPod vs. Zune.”

yooRyoo has discovered some startling news: future President Obama is partial to neither the Microsoft or Apple MP3 players, and instead prefers to use a Rio PMP300 as his personal electronic music device.

“Look, my Rio is a special heirloom that was given to me by my ex-rival McCain,” Obama stated during an impromptu press conference in an Akron, OH “Curves for Men” on Monday, “It’s reminiscent of the epic battle the Arizona senator staged…and lost…on a national front. It’s a reminder a time forgotten when there was only a 32MB capacity - which means one could play almost five whole songs at a time for nearly 30 minutes at a stretch.”

When asked which songs he has loaded on his Rio Player, the President-elect’s spokesperson distributed a sheet containing the following tracks:

• “Circus” by Brittney Spears
• “If I Were a Boy” by Beyonce
• “Heartless” by Kayne West
• “Rehab” - by Amy Winehouse
• and 1/2 of “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey

As a follow up, Barack Obama added, “In this tough economy, I ask all Americans to sacrifice in a small way to help better the country. By the way, does anyone have any AA batteries I could borrow?”

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President-elect Obama has already taken an aggressive approach to bringing the government online. With his new website www.change.gov and promising to promote his progress through various social media outlets, American web denizens have been waiting with interest and baited breath. Barack’s plan began with his first weekly address on YouTube this past weekend (aka his weekly “fireside chat”):

In response, millions of people rushed to watch the video, causing YouTube servers to be overloaded and close to overheating. The result: delayed download speeds, which quickly caused many Americans to lose interest after a few seconds. There were also numerous platform complaints.

“Why just YouTube?” questioned one loyal Obama supporter, “why not also on Hulu? I get most of my internet TV from Hulu…I had to watch Family Guy instead!”

“Who uses YouTube anymore? I thought that platform lost relevancy years ago, with the Lonelygirl15 debacle,” commented anonymous viewer. “Can’t he put it on Seesmic or even MySpace? Sheesh…”

The video itself features president-elect Barack Obama in a normal set, delivering a quite lengthy speech (at just over 4 minutes). This came as a surprise, as many speculated that “Obama 2.0″ would actually begin transmitting his fireside speeches via hologram, into every household in America.

“Frankly, I am disappointed,” commented 25 year-old Shane Hausser from Davenport, Iowa, “I wanted his message delivered to me through my Xbox 360 game so I could learn about the state of the nation while fragging n00bs in Call of Duty 8.”

Due to the response, the president-elect announced today that all future updates will be presented in a format that most people will respond favorably to - presumably at 140 characters at a time.

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Since McCain has lost the presidential election, he has a deep interest in reviving his image as a maverick. Due to this, the Arizona Senator has taken some lessons from the President-elect Barack Obama, and has embraced the newest technologies.

Partnering with the best CGI animators in Hollywood (a community he once indicated was filled with “barren, godless sinners”), the octogenerian politician had his feeble body systematically scanned and rendered electronically, ready to be inserted into historic video footage in an effort to add a positive edge to his already much-maligned “legacy.”

“Look, not only have I served in Congress for 837 years as a true maverick, always reaching across the aisle” he stated in an impromptu press conference in one of his many retirement homes in Arizona, “I was there when they actually created ‘aisles.’ Oh yeah, and the Treaty of Versailles? I did that - not that other guy.”

Not only has McCain been able to use his CGI-self to reivent his own history, programmers and other technology experts have worked with him to create an alternate virtual world, where all corporations are untaxed and the Vice President is a bimbo that also kills things with her 6-inch, Wolverine-like razor sharp claws.

Scientists are worried though, because while they have created a way for McCain to “jack in” to this new world (tentatively titled “Third Life”), they are concerned he doesn’t have the fortitude to log himself out.

“We tried to remove him forcibly from the machines, but we saw his vitals drop to dangerous levels and decided to just leave him in there,” said scientist Kareem Sumyunguy. “I’m sure we will find a solution soon. In the meantime the simulation will run AI adjusted routines so that his mind remains stimulated and engaged”

“This isn’t the Matrix, or anything,” added lead programmer Henry Dorsett Case, “You have to come out to eat and go to the bathroom.”

Monitoring his activities in this alternate universe, they have found that the aging senator from Arizona seems to be ruling his omniverse with a lioness sidekick, and role-playing surviving the crash of a jetliner, and wandering around on a deserted island with the other survivors, wondering about what - or who - lies in the jungle.

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Just in time for Thanksgiving, we received this Palin-drone update:

Federal prosecutors, after learning about the Palin-drone conspiracy (as reported here first on yooryoo), have quietly been deployed, “terminating” the pesky robotic drones before they could cause further havoc on American politics. The tenacious Mainstreet Media has picked up on this story, albeit falsely, reporting that the Republican party is “reforming” itself (rather than eliminating the top drones from their leading ranks).

A new viral video sweeping the internet shows photographic evidence that one outlier in the Palin-drone community (namely, its namesake) has not been exterminated, but rather reprogrammed, and is now insensitive to death of any kind.

In 1942, Isaac Asimov defined the three commutable laws of robots:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Obviously, these rules do not apply to turkeys (and Palin-drones). Chechit: at 1:19, the reporter talks about “state programs being on the chopping block” as the guy in the background places the turkey’s head into the chopper. In fact throughout the video, you can see Sarah Palin’s obvious disregard for the carnage played out behind her…

This Thansgiving season, be mindful of the Palin-drones in your neighborhoods. And have a safe holiday!

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The White House announced over the weekend that President-elect Barack Obama will have to remove all traces of himself from the internet, due to the Presidential Records Act. This includes not only giving up his Blackberry, but also removing all social networking profiles, public campaign websites, and any mention of him in blog postings and/or news reports.

“Due to the private nature and high security level associated with the Presidency, Obama will have to stop using email, updating his Facebook status and sending our ‘tweets’ to his more than 102,000 followers on Twitter,” a top aide stated over the weekend, “In fact, he’s going to have to go off-line completely - limiting his access to printed information only…and even that material would be more than a week old, to ensure it’s properly ‘vetted’.”

This news apparently caused much concern with the president-elect (in some circles dubbed “Obama 2.0“), who is apparently addicted to posting links, funny videos from the campaign trail and MP3s of his favorite bands on his MySpace account.

Major social media outlets have been asked to comply, including popular sites such as YouTube, Hulu.com and Friendfeed being asked to “purge” any video, audio or text stories that make any reference to the president-elect.

Obama’s latest YouTube “fireside chat” has already been blocked, and replaced with a Rick Astley video (however, yooRyoo has obtained a secret link to the video here):

A much bigger impact will be felt within the blogosphere itself - where already right-wing “anti-Obama” blog writers are complaining that they will have no more material to rant about.

“They can’t do this - it’s un-American,” said Matt Drudge late Sunday night, “I am just finishing up a piece about how Barack claims to wear boxer-briefs but really ‘goes commando‘…they can’t take away my livelihood!”

Even websites friendly to the new president are concerned: Slate.com and Politico.com have filed for “special exemption” status, promising to become exclusive online propaganda outlets for the new administration.

When asked for an official response from the president-elect, all emails bounced back with an “Undeliverable” error.

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In a surprising career turn, Sarah Palin - in the midst of her hectic talk-show circuit - announced this week that she will be launching her very own online shopping and auction site. Tentatively entitled YouBetcha.com, the site will feature name-brand clothing and other items at discount pricing, available for direct sale or for auction, “eBay-style”.

Clothing from Nieman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue and even Walmart will be offered at 50%, 60%, even 70% off list pricing. In addition, a number of “slightly used snow machines” and a variety of 2008 political merchandise will be immediately posted to the site at cut rates.

Further negotiations are underway to acquire a number of household items - at bargain-basement prices. When reached for comment, Sen. Ted Stevens indicated he had no knowledge of such transactions. “Take me to court if you want to prove anything,” he added, eluding further questions.

Expected to cause quite a stir with online shoppers in the holiday season, Palin will formally launch the site during her appearance on The View this week, along with a strong Search Engine Marketing push later this month.

“A lot of people have been telling me that I have strong competition from Amazon,” Palin stated, “But I know that’s gotcha-marketing…the Amazon’s in the country of Africa, which is far from the Alaskan Tundra where I’m at…I can’t even see it from here!”

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Senator Ted Stevens is the latest fallout from the discovery of Palin-drones in our nation’s government. Last week, Sen. Stevens - from Alaska - was convicted on corruption charges stemming from over $250,000 in home renovations (along with a massage chair, dog…).

Yet, begging incredulity, at this writing, Sen. Stevens might be possibly re-elected in Alaska, making him the only sitting Senator to be a convicted felon. How could that be? The answer is simple -  Senator Ted Stevens is (yes, you guessed it!) a Palin-Drone (remember Palin-drones?)!!!

That’s where Emmit comes in…Emmit is a Blade Runner (made famous by the movie of the same name). His old job was to retire Replicants; now he retires Palin-Drones. Having been appointed a US District Court Judge, Emmit was assigned to the Senator’s case:

Bryant: I need ya, Ems. This is a bad one, the worst yet. I need the old blade runner, I need your magic.

Emmit: [narrating] They don’t advertise for killers in the newspaper. That was my profession. Ex-cop. Ex-blade runner. Ex-killer. Now, I’m just a judge taking down “Palin-drones”…

Emmit could stand the reversals on political viewpoints, even reversals in voting, but what he couldn’t stand by to watch was a rogue Palin-Drone, seemingly in it just for the graft: Senator Ted Stevens. What follows is testimony from last week’s closing deliberations in the Sen. Stevens trial:

U.S. District Judge Emmit Sullivan: [Emmet explains to Ted why he can't extend his Senate term] The facts of life… to make an alteration in the specifics of an organic legal system is fatal. A coding sequence cannot be revised once it’s been established.
Ted Stevens:Why not?
U.S. District Judge Emmit Sullivan: Because by the second day of deliberation, any Palin-Drones that have undergone reversion mutation give rise to revertant colonies like rats leaving a sinking ship; then the ship sinks.
Ted Stevens:What about EMS recombination?
Emmit: We’ve already tried it - abuse of power, voter tampering, looking the other way while an American city drowns as an alkalating agent and potent mutagen; it created a virus so lethal the subject was dead before it even left the table.
Stevens: Then a repressor protein; that would block the operating Palin-Drones.
Emmit: Wouldn’t obstruct replication, but it does give rise to an error in replication so that the newly formed DNA strand carries with it a mutation, and you’ve got a virus again… but this, all of this is academic. You were made as well as we could make you.
Stevens: But not to last.
Emmit: The light that burns twice as bright burns for half as long - and you have burned so very, very brightly, Ted. Look at you, you’re a US Senator; you’re quite a prize.
Stevens: I’ve done… questionable things.
Emmit: Also extraordinary things; revel in your time.
Stevens: Nothing the God of biomechanics wouldn’t put you in heaven for.

As of this writing, Senator Ted Stevens has still eluded being “retired” by Emmit - or as Emmit put it “He went rogue on us…just like that hot chick that ran for VP - and I don’t mean Darryl Hannah.” The Palin-drone Stevens remains on the loose, dangerous, and defiant.

When attempted to reach for comment, Sarah Palin was busy on the phone: presumably talking to the heads of foreign countries… (Audio here)

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A sincere plea from yooRyoo today: it’s an important election day. Please - whatever you do - get out there and vote. Even if you have to wait in line a few hours…please vote!!! It’s worth it!

The “ghost is in the machine”…so if you are voting on a machine, make sure that ghost is representing you. Make your vote count!!!

Make sure to carefully watch your ballot for accuracy. Here is an actual flimed testimony of how the machines can easily be “non-calibrated” and cast the wrong vote:

Here’s Homer’s take on it:

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In this particular heated election year, a rise of online political polling has spread like a virus on the internet. At any given count, there are hundreds…yea, thousands…of online political polls dedicated to parsing numbers and voters, left and right, depending on how the wind blows.

Along with the rise of these polls, came the rise of political polling techniques - opinion polling, early voting polling, phone call polling, online popularity polls. Every major news organization - and even Fox News - has created their own polling techniques, not to mention fancy electronic boards to display their information in their news casts.

To that end, ostensibly, Picken & McCracken, leading researchers and statisticians (famous for their recent study that 67% of all web statistics are made up on the spot) have applied a Noble-prize winning technique and weighed in on the latest political polls.

Using state-of-the-art techniques, Picken & McCracken have employed, phones, cell-phones, email, Facebook, Twitter, IM and a host of other online techniques, and reached out to virtually every American in a short period of time. They compiled their results and just published their latest election poll numbers:

• 97% of all Americans have never participated in any election poll
• Of those 97% of people, 73.4% of them responded to Picken and McCracken’s poll and their first statement was “Oh crap… now I participated in a poll. Can I switch sides?”
• 13% of all American can’t make simple decisions like: skim milk or cream in my coffee, Subway or Quiznos for lunch, should I take Sally to dance class or Billy to practice? Inevitably, these same 13% are found right in front of you in the checkout lane at the supermarket
• States like Ohio are virtually split 50/50 with every decision they have to make (Picken brought up the 2005 Ohio Baskin Robbins “Chocolate or Vanilla” vote, in which “Chocolate” won by 3 votes)
• While Politicians focus on certain states to statistically win Electoral Votes like Ohio, Florida, and this year, Pennsylvania and Colorado, voters in those non “swing states” have a more enjoyable TV viewing experience, not having to ignore campaign commercials

Upon its release today, this study is expected to change the political polling landscape today. When asked for it’s impact, most major news outlets dismissed the study by stating: “You can’t believe those polls, anyway…now, back to our latest poll results…”

Meanwhile, the US Voters are nonplussed.

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