In the midst of corruption allegations and the call for him to resign his post (before he’s led off in handcuffs), Governor Rod Blagojevich proposed today to liquidate the Illinois government’s budget, and convert all funds to create an online gambling site sponsored by the state.
“Look, it’s f&*$ing obvious that there’s money to made here,” he stated outside his office in Chicago, “All Illinoisans should get off their a@@’s , log-on and ante up for a state-wide virtual 5-card Texas Hold ‘Em game, you f$%#$ers.”
FBI investigators were shocked to hear about the new direction the soon-to-be indicted governor was planning to take with the state budget.
“To say I am speechless is using too many words,” said lead investigator, Deputy Arnold Elliott Smith, “I am bleeping speechless.”
Starting tomorrow, most of the Illinois budget will be liquidated and moved to off-shore gaming facilities, if Blagojevich has his way. Agencies and groups depending on these funds will then have the ability to reclaim their funds through Blackjack, Virtual Strip Poker and Craps games.
When asked where the profits will be funneled to, Blagojevich commented, “F&%$ you” and then promptly went inside to coiff his hair.