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Since McCain has lost the presidential election, he has a deep interest in reviving his image as a maverick. Due to this, the Arizona Senator has taken some lessons from the President-elect Barack Obama, and has embraced the newest technologies.

Partnering with the best CGI animators in Hollywood (a community he once indicated was filled with “barren, godless sinners”), the octogenerian politician had his feeble body systematically scanned and rendered electronically, ready to be inserted into historic video footage in an effort to add a positive edge to his already much-maligned “legacy.”

“Look, not only have I served in Congress for 837 years as a true maverick, always reaching across the aisle” he stated in an impromptu press conference in one of his many retirement homes in Arizona, “I was there when they actually created ‘aisles.’ Oh yeah, and the Treaty of Versailles? I did that - not that other guy.”

Not only has McCain been able to use his CGI-self to reivent his own history, programmers and other technology experts have worked with him to create an alternate virtual world, where all corporations are untaxed and the Vice President is a bimbo that also kills things with her 6-inch, Wolverine-like razor sharp claws.

Scientists are worried though, because while they have created a way for McCain to “jack in” to this new world (tentatively titled “Third Life”), they are concerned he doesn’t have the fortitude to log himself out.

“We tried to remove him forcibly from the machines, but we saw his vitals drop to dangerous levels and decided to just leave him in there,” said scientist Kareem Sumyunguy. “I’m sure we will find a solution soon. In the meantime the simulation will run AI adjusted routines so that his mind remains stimulated and engaged”

“This isn’t the Matrix, or anything,” added lead programmer Henry Dorsett Case, “You have to come out to eat and go to the bathroom.”

Monitoring his activities in this alternate universe, they have found that the aging senator from Arizona seems to be ruling his omniverse with a lioness sidekick, and role-playing surviving the crash of a jetliner, and wandering around on a deserted island with the other survivors, wondering about what - or who - lies in the jungle.

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Just in time for Thanksgiving, we received this Palin-drone update:

Federal prosecutors, after learning about the Palin-drone conspiracy (as reported here first on yooryoo), have quietly been deployed, “terminating” the pesky robotic drones before they could cause further havoc on American politics. The tenacious Mainstreet Media has picked up on this story, albeit falsely, reporting that the Republican party is “reforming” itself (rather than eliminating the top drones from their leading ranks).

A new viral video sweeping the internet shows photographic evidence that one outlier in the Palin-drone community (namely, its namesake) has not been exterminated, but rather reprogrammed, and is now insensitive to death of any kind.

In 1942, Isaac Asimov defined the three commutable laws of robots:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Obviously, these rules do not apply to turkeys (and Palin-drones). Chechit: at 1:19, the reporter talks about “state programs being on the chopping block” as the guy in the background places the turkey’s head into the chopper. In fact throughout the video, you can see Sarah Palin’s obvious disregard for the carnage played out behind her…

This Thansgiving season, be mindful of the Palin-drones in your neighborhoods. And have a safe holiday!

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yooRyoo exclusive report: The Phoenix Project.

On the heels of the much-ballyhooed Palin-drone robotic expose, yooRyoo’s investigative reporters have uncovered another secret government machinated program - special code-name: The Phoenix Project. And much like Project Blue-Book, this tale is filled with decoys and red herrings designed to confuse the average citizen.

“The government is resurrecting extinct animals, first through robot lookalikes they license to private companies, and then eventually through indistinguishable DNA lookalikes,” says an unnamed government agent who was not authorized to reveal his military ranking. After revealing top secret photographs of laboratories filled with unspeakable, Frankensteinien images, our investigators pressured him to reveal more.

“The most recent example is the once thought to be extinct pygmy tarsier,” the unnamed source went on, “This extinct animal was first brought back to life by the government in 1965 - even before the tarsier was  declared extinct. Then, later it was ‘brought to life’ again, via the popular Hasbro electronic Furby robotic toy.”

We learned the conspiracy ran so deep that even the toy manufacturer did not know the true origins of the device, the result of a top secret biological-pharmaceutical-robotic-creating government agency working on The Phoenix Project.

And much like a real “Jurassic Park” The Phoenix Program was originally designed to bring back extinct animals by splicing their DNA with hydraulic hinges. These first forays looked less like robotic animals, and more like a Roomba.

Efforts to make these initial creatures as realistic and lifelike as the real pygmy tarsier failed, so they hired a patsy “inventor” to take the concept to Hasbro, and allowed the toy company the ability to make millions of dollars on those annoying toys called Furbys. And then the government set out to try to really resurrect the pygmy tarsier.

Through inserting the DNA harvested from the carcass of a real pygmy tarsier into the ovum of a chimpanzee, scientists have created what is essentially a lookalike for the extinct pygmy tarsier.

“This is not an imitation of the once extinct pygmy tarsier; it is the pygmy tarsier,” added the government agent. “And yes, it does taste like chicken.”

Our source revealed that while the government was focused on creating tasty tarsiers, the Phoenix Project has also been dabbling in other robotic efforts, including the robotic Dolphin

- which is a replicant of the once thought to be extinct Chinese River Dolphin:

While these results are freakish and unthinkable, our investigators are left with one overarching question: “can the real Jurassic Park be far behind?”

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Submitted by David Thomas, at www.buzzcut.com

(Mountain View, CA) After years of engineering investment and marketing hyperbole, search engine giant Google came clean last week at its Mountain View headquarters that the “cloud computing” promise was just a bunch of castles in the sky.

“At Google, we have a fine tradition of thinking big and letting our imagination run wild as we try to glimpse the great big tomorrow of the Internet,” said company spokesman Brandon Clearky. “But we also have a core corporate value of ‘doing no harm’. So despite some intense internal debate–and, honestly, some pretty heated flame wars on the internal message boards—we decided we shouldn’t lie to people just to keep our stock price up.”

At issue in the Google announcement is the future viability of cloud computing, a concept that envisions users with simple, low-end, low-cost machines connecting to a massive online computer network that manages the bulk of processing and file management.

“This is pretty much what Sun was pushing 10 years ago and the thing that has since pretty much put them out of business,” noted Paul Morgan Stanley market analyst Hester Cocklin.

Wall Street investors, intent on maintaining their seven-figure salaries in the face of economic meltdown, have staunchly supported the cloud concept for year as sound, fundamental business. But with a storm of consumer expectation rolling in, the promise of the cloud has quickly dissipated.

Said one Stanley Morgan Morgan Analyst, on condition of anonymity, “Sure, the whole cloud computing thing seemed pretty much pie in the sky from the very beginning. I mean, seriously, Google Docs is neat but who wants a word processor that can’t format tables correctly What, is this Word 7? Hello!

“But what choice did we have? Without gee whiz tech to over-promise, we might as well just hand the entire country over the Chinese rather than wait for the trade imbalance to do it for us. Count me out on that Chariman Mao!”

Sources close to Google leadership describe the cloud computing concept as “A great idea that seems more plausible when you are driving 100 mph down the Pacific Coast highway with a hot blonde way out of your league and wearing poorly fitting designer clothes in a car bought with inflated Google stock.”

“But when you look at the fundamentals of storing everything in the world for everyone in the world data and doing all the computation for everything in the world,” explain corporate watchdog Doug Doolie, “Well, in that case, it’s all a little bit Star Trek don’t you think Mr. Data?”

For its part, Google promises the cloud computing debacle will blow over soon.

“It’s not like Google to not to make money hand over fist while reaching the sort of approval rating that would make Jesus weep, ” said Clearky. “Besides, when Microsoft gets wind of our Candyland operating system plans or our intention pay out Ad Sense accounts with vials of real Unicorn blood, well, hey, then it’s all just gonna be forgive and forget.”

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Reality based video games are nothing new. Some examples are the Sims, as well as such titles as Guitar Hero and even the games such as Grand Theft Auto.

There’s now a new video game called “Miracle at St. Obama” – a reality based game where the “Mission Impossible” is to get us out of a war, prevent a recession/depression, prevent Russian encroachment on the eastern front, gain support for universal healthcare, and start the long road to an economic recovery.

Instead of the typical male teen mindset of “let’s blow sh– up!’ this is a new concept in reality based gaming modelled on the toughest job in the world in one of the toughest of times - right here, right now. In this game you play America’s first black president. Hopes are high that you are able to accomplish such miracles as prevent the fall of our nation’s auto industry, fight two wars, gain the respect and cooperation of the opposing political party, unite your own liberal base, among all the other myriad problems or, as Obama would say “Opportunities for Change” with a capital “C.”

The game has options for other “Fantasy presidents” such as a McCain or Hilary Clinton presidency, and even a Sarah Palin Presidency based on the untimely death of a fantasy McCain President, and how she deals with incursions into the Georgian territory, “Well, we’ll just send our troops to the south, you betcha!” is one canned response.

Real time updates add realism to the game as the game is updated on a nightly schedule to make the game coincide with actual events in the world happening today.

There are even “hidden levels” that reveal an Arnold Schwartzenegger presidency (just need to remove the requirement of a candidate being from this country!), and “what if” scenarios such as “What if aliens landed!”

The game is guaranteed to provide hours of fun, otherwise there is a full 4 years no questions asked return policy to a period of worldwide disapprobation, war and economic turmoil.

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The White House announced over the weekend that President-elect Barack Obama will have to remove all traces of himself from the internet, due to the Presidential Records Act. This includes not only giving up his Blackberry, but also removing all social networking profiles, public campaign websites, and any mention of him in blog postings and/or news reports.

“Due to the private nature and high security level associated with the Presidency, Obama will have to stop using email, updating his Facebook status and sending our ‘tweets’ to his more than 102,000 followers on Twitter,” a top aide stated over the weekend, “In fact, he’s going to have to go off-line completely - limiting his access to printed information only…and even that material would be more than a week old, to ensure it’s properly ‘vetted’.”

This news apparently caused much concern with the president-elect (in some circles dubbed “Obama 2.0“), who is apparently addicted to posting links, funny videos from the campaign trail and MP3s of his favorite bands on his MySpace account.

Major social media outlets have been asked to comply, including popular sites such as YouTube, Hulu.com and Friendfeed being asked to “purge” any video, audio or text stories that make any reference to the president-elect.

Obama’s latest YouTube “fireside chat” has already been blocked, and replaced with a Rick Astley video (however, yooRyoo has obtained a secret link to the video here):

A much bigger impact will be felt within the blogosphere itself - where already right-wing “anti-Obama” blog writers are complaining that they will have no more material to rant about.

“They can’t do this - it’s un-American,” said Matt Drudge late Sunday night, “I am just finishing up a piece about how Barack claims to wear boxer-briefs but really ‘goes commando‘…they can’t take away my livelihood!”

Even websites friendly to the new president are concerned: Slate.com and Politico.com have filed for “special exemption” status, promising to become exclusive online propaganda outlets for the new administration.

When asked for an official response from the president-elect, all emails bounced back with an “Undeliverable” error.

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Happy Friday! On today’s Friday Fishwrap we reveal to you the results of last Sunday’s “Is It Real?” and then share with you a fun, geeky video we found on the www…ready to get started?

Last Sunday, we presented Hamsterster - a social networking site, along the lines of Dogster and Catster, where Hamster owner could create profiles for their furry rodents and share them with fellow Hamster-owners (”Have you seen Mr. Cuddlewinks profile - I just uploaded new pics of him in his plastic ball!”). Then we asked you to vote, if it’s indeed real. Here are the results:

• 29% thought it was real
• 29% thought it wasn’t
• 43% weren’t sure (and voted “maybe”)

The real answer - Hamsterster is INDEED REAL!!! And check out these fun pictures pulled from the site (of Patchy, Twinkle Toes and Mr. Bothari, respectively):

I am not sure I should be disturbed by Hamsterster, or just accept it. Anyway, now on to our video:

This Friday Fishwrap clip was forwarded to me by Jerimiah Owyang, and I thought would make a perfect - albeit geeky - video inclusion in today’s posting. Please enjoy, “How to Behave on a Forum”

How To Behave On A Forum - Funny videos are here

With that, have a great weekend! Tune in this weekend for a Special Obama2.0 update post!

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In a surprising career turn, Sarah Palin - in the midst of her hectic talk-show circuit - announced this week that she will be launching her very own online shopping and auction site. Tentatively entitled YouBetcha.com, the site will feature name-brand clothing and other items at discount pricing, available for direct sale or for auction, “eBay-style”.

Clothing from Nieman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue and even Walmart will be offered at 50%, 60%, even 70% off list pricing. In addition, a number of “slightly used snow machines” and a variety of 2008 political merchandise will be immediately posted to the site at cut rates.

Further negotiations are underway to acquire a number of household items - at bargain-basement prices. When reached for comment, Sen. Ted Stevens indicated he had no knowledge of such transactions. “Take me to court if you want to prove anything,” he added, eluding further questions.

Expected to cause quite a stir with online shoppers in the holiday season, Palin will formally launch the site during her appearance on The View this week, along with a strong Search Engine Marketing push later this month.

“A lot of people have been telling me that I have strong competition from Amazon,” Palin stated, “But I know that’s gotcha-marketing…the Amazon’s in the country of Africa, which is far from the Alaskan Tundra where I’m at…I can’t even see it from here!”

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San Francisco - One of the most highly anticipated social media/web 2.0 conferences of the year ended much earlier than expected today due to poor planning on the organizers. What was hailed as the “must attend event of the year,” the Social Web Extravaganza Business Expo (SWEBE) was forced to shut down three days early due to lack of access to a cell phone or wireless signal, and no usable power outlets.

“Look, we warned attendees well in advance,” said event organizer F.T. Bailey, “it’s even part of the byline of the event - ‘Prepared to be charged and connected’…look at the sign!” Mr. Bailey added, pointing to a banner in an empty auditorium.

Almost immediately, problems began to surface when excited seminar attendees were routed to the concrete basement of the hotel. Cell phone signals were immediately lost, causing audible groans to rise from the auditorium.

Then, things took a turn for the worst when it was discovered that absolutely no wireless signal was available throughout the entire building: “Our apologies,” stated a recorded message that repeated over the loudspeakers, “in an effort to curtail costs, internet connectivity is currently not available. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

To add insult to injury, it was soon discovered that only one power outlet was available throughout the entire conference area, and it wasn’t compatible with any known electronic plug. One attendee took this picture on his iPhone, just before the device lost battery power:

When reached for comments, agitated attendees were quick to weigh in on their concerns:

“No wifi, no cell phone coverage, no power…c’mon, it only took two hours before my Android phone shut off - this is unacceptable, and not worth the $250 price admission!”

“I couldn’t get on Twitter for more than 45 minutes…how are my peeps going to know how horrible the event was? I need to find an outlet quick, so I could Tweet this travesty!”

Event organizers, after making a variety of excuses, quickly ducked out a side-door, presumably to recharge, reconnect, and write “plausible deniability” posts on their blogs.

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Had a late night argument with your lady friend? Girlfriend driving you nuts with her jealousy and angry texts? Is she ready to “commit” while you are planning your exit strategy? Or just can’t find your “perfect mate” on eHarmony or Match.com? No problem…

Introducing “iGrrlfrend” - a virtual girlfriend simulator that does exactly what you want, when you want it, at an affordable monthly subscription rate.

After subscribing to iGrrlfrend, users are directed to a dashboard, where they can begin crafting their own unique virtual girlfriend. Using the patented Dungeons & Dragons rating model, the iGrrlfrend Setup Wizard launches, allowing you to craft the “perfect” features (n a scale of 1 to 18) for your virtual girlfriend, including:

• Hair color
• Intelligence
• Humor
• Mood Swings
• Measurements
• Dexterity (if you know what I mean)
• Rhythm (if you know what I mean)
• Sex Appeal (if you know…er, never mind)

For those users that would rather bypass the Setup Wizard, they could select from the following templates:

• Angelina Jolie
• Marisa Miller
• Scarlett Johansen
• Jessica Alba
• Roseanne Barr

Then, using the OpenID engine, iGrrlfrend scrolls and scrapes through your existing social networks and online identies, and pulls in relevant information about you - your hobbies, pictures of you and your friends, musical tastes, etc.

Within five business days, your iGrrlfrend’s identity is created, and she will automatically “friend” you on Facebook, change your relationship status, and upload PhotoShopped pictures of you and her together - at bars and on “romantic getaways” to exotic locales like Milpitas, CA.

If opting in to the “Platinum” level, online avatars will also be created, “marrying” you on SecondLife and fighting beside you as a Mage Level 45 on World of Warcraft.

Other advanced features of iGrrlfrend will allow you to receive text messages, stating “Where the hell R U at - come home now!” or Twitter messages stating: “My friends saw you talking with that girl - who is she? Call me now!”

Plans are in the works to create an alternate iBoifrend - where female users can select from a bevvy of nerdy, overweight men that are actually real and desperate to make human contact in any form. The cost to enroll in iBoifrend are - obviously - much cheaper.

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