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A new internet site originally created to serve television shows over the internet has been taken over by the Cthuhlu old gods as a gateway to enter the earth plane and destroy the universe. Similar to the current economic downturns, this sudden change in streaming online TV content has been been predicted before…but received no media attention.

Nearly a century ago, one of the original cultists (Old Castro) of the Ct’Hulu intoned:

They were not composed altogether of flesh and blood. They had shape…but that shape was not made of matter. When the stars were right, They could plunge from world to world through the sky; but when the stars were wrong, They could not live. But although They no longer lived, They would never really die

In retrospect, it is now known that he was talking about the advent of streaming online television content and the much balley-hooed conversion to digital TV programming.

The “much-discussed couplet” from Abdul Alhazred’s Necronomicon confirms it:

That is not dead which can eternal lie.
And with strange æons even death may die.^[15]

This not only refers to shows that are in endless syndication on nearly half of online HD cable networks (such as The Seinfeld Channel, Sci-Fi Channel’s Star Trek-a-paloosa and TV Land’s I Love Lucy - Eight Days a Week) but also direly prophecizes on-demand downloads of obscure TV programs from sites such as www.Hulu.com. These programs include Adam-12, Firefly and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Effectively, this is signaling the creation of the technology that would lead to the end of the world as we know it.

Astrologers and Ct’Hulu experts agree that the end of the world will start on 12:00:01 AM, February 17th, 2009 - which, coincidentally is the date that analog television will cease to be transmitted, and digital television programming exclusively broadcast.

The cultists of the Ct’Hulu gods state that a suitable transferrence medium will finally be available to herald the start of a new era:

The secret priests would take great Cthulhu from His tomb to revive His subjects and resume His rule of earth….Then mankind would have become as the Great Old Ones; free and wild and beyond good and evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men shouting and killing and revelling in joy. Then the liberated Old Ones would teach them new ways to shout and kill and revel and enjoy themselves, and all the earth would flame with a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom.

Or, as Congresswoman Marsha Black states on her website, “The technology allows broadcasters to transmit programming with higher resolution and dramatically improved picture/sound quality.”

Cultists remain skeptical.

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yooRyoo fans: we apologize for our unexpected haitus since last week. Because we were unable to provide you with an update last Friday, we bring to you today our ever-popular “Friday Fishwrap” feature…but on a Monday! “Friday Fishwrap” is where we reveal to you the results of our “Is It Real?” feature from the previous Sunday, and then share a fun video from the World Wide Web for you to enjoy!

Our last “Is It Real?” posting featured a new iPhone application created a 3D, holographic animation on the iPhone that moved when you moved the phone. It was aptly named “iHologram” and was available through the iTunes app store. It’s hard to describe in words, but it really is cool to see it in action - watch the video in our last post, to get a sense of what it is!

We then asked you to vote on the authenticity of the application. Here are the poll results:

• 50% of you thought that while it looked cool, it wasn’t real
• 40% of you thought it was real, and want to download it to your iPhones
• 10% of you were undecided

The actual truth: while it is a great concept, the iHologram is not yet real! To quote a story from Gizmodo about the iHologram:

The amazingly convincing 3D anamorphosis app iHologram turns out to be just a technology demonstrator rendering rather than a real app. Its developer, David O’Reilly, apparently wasn’t trying to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes with the cool clip of the strolling cat, but just demonstrate how the 3D effect could be made to work. He’s up for collaboration “with a developer or studio who wants to make it happen,” for real, though.

I can’t wait to get it when it is real! So, for now we are just with a cool video to demonstrate the concept.

Speaking of cool videos: today, in a crazy celebration to Web 2.0, we proudly present an over five minute video called: “5000 Web Apps in 333 Seconds”…check to see if you can find your favorite in this crazy kaliedoscope of all things good about the web!

Rest assured, yooRyoo is back on track and tune in tomorrow for a very new satirical Web 2.0 posting. Until then, have a great Monday everyone!

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In partnership with the new T-Mobile G1 Phone is one of the first open source applications built exclusively for the so-called “gPhone” - and just in time for the presidential election. While this new cell phone from Google (aka “the Android”)has  dubbed the “iPhone killer” and alternately the “Blackberry killer,” (in some circles, called the “McCain killer” in reference to the Republican Presidential nominations’ PR gaffe stating that the Senator invented the ubiquitous Blackberry).

“Grok the vote” (GTV) is the new G1 Phone application that monitors social networking sites such as MySpace and FaceBook in an attempt to determine your voting preferences automatically.

Every time a G1 phone user enters or updates their social networking profile through the phones interface, “Grok the Vote” gathers a listing of your preferences, including your music tastes (or lack thereof), books you’ve read (or censor), groups you belong to (or hate) and even the types of friends your connect to - all in attempt to “grok” your vote.

Do you have a video post of “I got a crush…on Obama” by the Obama Girl? Well, that’s an easy algorythm - one vote for Obama!

How about if you are part of the Facebook group for John McCain? One vote for McCain!

If you want to censor books in public and school libraries, support a plan for oil drilling in Alaska without considering the economic trama and the environmental destruction that it would cause, support abstinence only sex education, believe that Creationism should be taught in public schools, regardless of religion, support the National Rifle Association- but not the restriction of guns from known criminals, oppose same sex marriage or any sort of health benefits for same sex couples, oppose the listing of Polar Bears on the Endangered Species Act, do not believe that Global Warming is caused by human activity, and are against all forms of abortion, even in the case of rape or incest victims, then McCain it is!

GTV was introduced to combat the vast morass of voter apathy. In the last November election, voter turnout was estimated at 39%. What about the 61% of the rest? I mean, is that really a Democracy? Does that qualify for a mandate of the American people? 39%? I mean, c’mon!

Yet, popularity of social networking sites are at an all time high! Hence - “Grok the vote” to the rescue!!!

Once a person downloads and runs the GTV open source application on their new G1 phone, Google subtly adds a User Licencing Agreement which indicates that users agree that their vote will be cast, depending on the conclusion GTV draws from the “grokking” their Social Networking sites.

Definition from Wikipedia:
Grok is a word invented by science fiction author Robert A. Heinlein, first used in the 1961 novel Stranger in a Strange Land.

To grok is to share the same reality or line of thinking with another physical or conceptual entity.

When asked about those that do not display any online preferences, the makers of GTV replied: “Well, those votes would automatically go to the Democratic candidate. We do this in an effort to combat the known Diebold voting machine bias towards conservative presidential candidates. This is also to combat the seemingly inbred tendency for liberal infighting, such as Ralph Nader pulling votes from John Kerry in 2004, and the conspicuous silence from Hillary Clinton post-Obama nomination.”

But, recently Bush was heard saying (while he thought he was off-mike):

Well, those f–kers can do any dang thang they want y’all, the die bold guy sez they’ll still deliver that geezer, and the second run beauty queen.”

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Let’s face it - death is inevitable. According to the latest study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, 99.97% of all people will experience death in some form or another. And with morbidity as such a chronic condition facing most people, online web 2.0 denizens have left behind messy trails of online postings, Twitter updates and photos.

Traditionally, these “expired” posts would remain online, stagnant and unchanging, until some tenacious reporter would highlight them in the press (usually in a morbid or tragic way), or some webmaster would delete the account for inactivity. Until now - introducing Sickr, and automated service that archives online personas after real-life people pass to the other side.

“It’s amazing how seamless this is,” describes the founder Kirk D’Bucket, “once a person in RL dies, it initiates an automated process which rolls through most major government agencies - the Motor Vehicle Department, Social Security Administration and the IRS. Sickr taps into that process feed, and  aggregates this notification out to all major social networks - FriendFeed, MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn, Google FriendConnect, Twitter, etc.” 

These online records are then passed, through OpenID, open-source platforms, to a designated “final resting place” on Sickr. All status are changed automatically to “expired” or “cease to exist” and little black x’s are Photoshopped over the individual’s eyes.

In a surprising mash-up, online “makeup artist” MyFacelift has been contracted to give these cold, lifeless online profiles one last makeover.

“Sickr is great,” commented Charleze Beezle, a 26 year old member of MySpace, “I kept IM’ing my ex and he never responded. I was beginning to think that he wasn’t interested in me anymore…and then I received a notification from Sickr, that indicated he died more than two weeks ago. Needless to say, I was relieved…I was beginning to think that it was me!”

While transferring “dead” online accounts to Sickr is provided free of charge, they have already introduced a premium service in an effort to monetize their business model.

“For people experiencing a fatal disease or simply for family members of elderly online denezins, they can sponsor a “Final Resting Place” on Sickr,” explains Kirk D’Bucket, “the final destinations would be ad-free locations, with customized wallpapers, streaming music and videos. We even provide customized URL’s for that special touch!”

There are currently three levels of premium service:

1. Bronze-level (aka “I Told Your I Was Sickr“)
2. Silver-level (aka “I Was Sickr Than You“)
3. Gold-level (aka “I Was Sickr and Now I Am Kickr“)

Celebrities have already jumped on the Sickr band-wagon, including Sarah Palin reserving the Gold-level location for an unnamed online celebrity. Her spokesperson stated, “We can’t tell you who it’s for - but let’s just say this guy has a lot of Facebook activity…even though he can’t use a computer!”

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Just banged the office admin, and now the tales of your lack of “sexpertise” are making the rounds at work? Do you look away as you pass your ex in the long hallway on your way to the water cooler? Groups of your ex’s cadre sistahs dissing you behind double-takes and half-covered faces, with sounds of derisive laughter ringing over the cubicle walls?

Despite the maxim: “never date a co-worker” (otherwise known as “don’t shit where you eat”), office romances still happen. One study showed that the place where we meet over 90% of friends and acquaintances is - you guessed it - at our places of employment.The odds are we’re going to hook up.

Since they can’t change the statistic, the makers of Snatch! decided to “tap into” this corporate zeitgeist by creating a new mashup, combining aspects the social networking site LinkedIn with the dating aspects of Match.com.

Now, instead of dating coworkers, you can leverage your LinkedIn connections for more than just employment contacts, but for dating and casual one-night sex connections as well. Hurting for a raise as well as needing a booty call? Why not combine both? Now with Snatch! you can!

With Snatch! you can virtually “wink” at a person at a different company that you may have met at a conference without running into interference from your HR department. Chatting on Snatch! about wanting to “hit that” is free of the risk of IT forwarding your risque emails to your meddlesome HR rep (to add to your already overflowing personnel folder). Now you can tap work-booty with impunity, and the next morning still go to the office with you head held high, (not avoiding eye contact as you typically do).

There has been talk of abuse on the network, such as users trying to “sleep their way to 500+ connections,” if you will, and CEOs using Snatch! as a sort of new feudalism - offering employees to other employers as a way to tie companies closer together (or to steal corporate secrets). The makers of Snatch! respond that while statistics show there is abuse on any social networking site, they try to discourage it by installing levels of security, such as permission-based connection building (otherwise known as “Snatch!” approval).

A contingent from those ever-invading Fuckus Focus on your own damn the Family are offended by the language used on the controls of Snatch! - such as the “Tap That!” button designed to initiate chat sessions, or the “Suckit!” button label which asks for a recommendation. They position that these languages encourage unsavory activities.

The makers of Snatch! are nonplussed: “We’re just having fun helping people to have some fun. By developing this platform, we are just making official the kind of relationships that happen anyway, in happy-hour and FAC functions. All without the ‘career-limiting’ aspects of dating and work.”

(Editors note: Snatch! is not related, except in a very parallel-ironic-universe kind of way, with the pron site snatch.com…not like we would know about those kind of websites anyway…).

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Happy Sunday, yooRyoo readers. Today we present another verson of “Is It Real?” - the web 2.0 guessing game that’s sweeping the nation! Here’s how the rules work - every Sunday, we feature a web 2.0 company, application or service and give you a brief description of what it is and how it works. Then we ask our readers to vote on whether it is real, or not.

The twist is that you cannot use the web in anyway to help you find the answer. The voting polls stay open all week (encourage your friends to come out and vote). Then, the following Friday (in our Friday Fishwrap) we reveal the answer.

So, now that you understand the rules, let’s introduce today’s application - called “iHologram.”

This iPhone application is a 3D animation program, and works by assuming a constant viewing angle (35-45 degrees), typical for when the device is placed on a tabletop. The 3d scene’s perspective is then warped using anamorphic perspective, making the object appear to jump off the screen.

It’s hard to describe - it might be better just to see it in action:

While not available through the iTunes appstore yet, interest in the iHologram is high and sales are expected to go through the roof!

So, yooRyoo readers, we ask: without searching Google or using the web in any way, Is iHologram real? Vote below and tune in next Friday for the results.

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Happy Friday, everyone! Every Friday, yooRyoo posts a few fun, online videos that will help you make it through the day and safely into the weekend. This week has been a rocky one with the financial news, but luckily one exciting technical bit of news was reveal - we finally found out who invented the Blackberry!!

No, it’s not the Canadian firm Research in Motion - it’s republican presidential nominate, John McCain (presumably when he was still alive)!!

Needless to say, Al Gore was nonplussed with the news. And Sarah Palin, when asked for comment, remarked “He invented Blackberries? Wow - and I just baked a pie full of them! He’s a genius!”

To celebrate this great advancement, yooRyoo presents a series of videos on this significant accomplishment - enjoy and have a great weekend!

John McCain Blackberry Ad

John McCain Genius Ad

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In an unexpected turn, Microsoft and Jerry Seinfeld announced today that they have abandoned their current line of “cute” and “funny” ads, instead releasing a series of stream-of-consciousness online videos where they directly insult the intelligence of Americans.

“What’s wrong with you stupid people,” Seinfeld was quoted as saying in his latest direct-to-video commercial, “why are you watching these stupid videos anyway? Do you really think I am here to be funny? You all are pathetic.”

“Yeah, and anyway it’s not like Microsoft needs you to buy more - we have 90% marketshare, you idiots,” added Gates, “And besides, didn’t your hear - I AM NO LONGER WITH THE COMPANY, YOU STUPID F*#&S!”

The video is rumored to fade with both of them mooning the camera, flipping the bird at the audience.

Joe Shmoe, average American, was reached for comment, “I mean, what were they thinking? That ordinary Americans think mustard with wine is something fancy? We’re in a monoculture - everyone has their MTV and the Food Channel.  Even the Nigerians want their Adidas. We are informed slaves to marketing. Ordinary Americans aren’t stupid, but in these commercials they are portrayed as such.”

Taking a cue from these videos, Republican presidential nominee, John McCain decided to launch into a series of online ads, directly insulting American intelligence. The first ads, entitled “Obama/Biden are sexist because they were born men” and “McCain/Palin for change - Republican have been in charge long enough: kick those bums out!“ made the rounds on the internet this morning, to mixed reviews.

Republican zealots like Rush Limbaugh and Shawn Hannity proclaimed the McCain ads as “brilliant” and “right on target” with the American zeitgeist. McCain, when reached for a reaction, asked “What’s zeitgeist? Are the Nazi Germans back in power?!”

“New Family” Video

“Shoe Circus” video

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The makers of the ever-popular SecondLife online virtual world announced plans today to introduce a new online world platform, designed specifically for the fundamentalist arm of the Mormon religion - “Second Wife.”

In this new virtual community, users are encouraged to create virtual compounds of suppression and poverty, populate their family with thousands of virtual offspring (”cyber-springs”) - all without the menacing arm of the law getting into their way of life.

“We’re excited,” says fundamentalist founder Pastor Mannie Grange, “we’ve been waiting for something like this ever since, ever since…ever since we were kicked off our compound in Colorado and lost our Comcast DSL connection.”

In Second Wife, users create avatars that have limited choices on body types and clothing. Men avatars have a scoring system that allows them to tally the number of women they connect with, and the number of cyber-springs they create. Women, unfortunately, have no scoring system, and are only measured on the length of their dress and the oneness of their eyebrow.

With this announcement, already existing LDS organizations on Second Life are planning a mass migration to this new gaming platform, packing up all of their existing belongings in Second Life vans and trucks, and hightailing it out of the SL community under the cover of darkness.

Critics have already decried this new community, noting that their are no age restrictions required when enrolling. In an attempt to reach the leaders of the Fundamental LDS organization, we received an automated email response:

“Sorry I can’t respond to your email - I am off to farm new, fertile pastures. However, your email is important to me, and I will respond once they lay in a T1 line to this godforsaken place.”

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With the success of annoying user-generated sites such as www.ICanHasCheezburger.com and the Lolcats franchise, web 2.0 users now have an outlet to:

• Upload cutesy pics of animals
• Create silly (some would say stupid) alternate spellings of words in some ersatz and imagined view of what the cat in the photo would sound like if it could speak English (in this case, they call it LOLspeak)

This ever-popular (annoying) franchise has created similar-themed UGC sites such as LOLdogs, LOLrus (walrus), and the ever-popular LOLroadkill.

It was only a matter of time before inanimate objects would get the “LOL” treatment. In an effort to sate the insatiable appetite of online users wanting to present themselves as cute and smarmy, the makers of LOLroadkill have creates an entirely new user-generated social community entitled: Lolfurniture:

Immediately, online retail giants, such as Amazon, Walmart, and Target have modified their web-catalogues with the ability for users to “LOLspeak” their furniture wares. Now, not only can you find a great baby cradle online at a reasonable price, you can “LOL” yourself to sleep on it!

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