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iTele-phoni makes network cabling cool again!

Remember when Networking was cool? Okay, maybe you are too young, but back in the day anything to do with computer networking was cool with a capital “K”. It was sooo cool to be able to spout jargon like LAN/WAN or even PAN, are you withit MAN? With computer networks, you could even do the CAN/CAN!

iTele-phoni puts a cool sheen over network cabling: the cables are sheathed in a flexible plitanium coated surface which reflects the light in a prismatic effect. Aesthetics do matter, even if it’s the same old cabling being buried under 5 feet of dirt.

Critics, unfazed by the financial success of iTele-phoni, are unmoved:

“They are just encasing the same old network cable in a shiny sheath - nothing revolutionary about that,” responds John J. Jingleheimerschmidt, a networking exec at the Cable Stable. “It’s not even using new technology. Comcast came out with that sheath back in the 90’s. All they are doing is playing catch up.”

Mr. Jingleheimerschmidt did have to admit that iTele-Phoni’s marketing machine is second to none.

“Hey, they can put lipstick on a dog and make it sexy, I’ll give them that, but revolutionary it is not.”

iTele-Phoni was announced at the CableWorld Conference in San Francisco on June 8th. The iTele-Phoni’s network cable will transform IP packets into it’s own proprietary IP packet, which will only be able to be deciphered by users using Motorola modems. Software to jail break the proprietary IP packet is being released by independent software developers and is reportedly available on Craigslist and Ebay.

iTele-Phoni - bringing sexyback into the plumbing!

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Let’s face it - we’re all sick of online predators creating false profiles and making social networks unsafe. It seems the only justice we could level is publicly humiliating them on national TV. But who has time to lurk online, entrapping these felons while capturing the whole incident on high-definition tape for your local television broadcast?

JailByte does - our company is comprised of social community “specialists” adept at creating fake profiles of teenage girls and boys. These specialists are trained in all aspects of teen culture - music, clothes, likes/dislikes and the newest teen texting trends. Then they lurk online, hoping to draw predators to their profiles, and set up a rendezvous at some undisclosed location (i.e. “a home where the parents are gone for a long weekend”) - little do they know, we are leading them into our state-of-the-art studio.

At our studio/house, JailByte employs the smarmiest interviewers that greet these unsuspecting felons at the front door, and inquire about their intentions, shove copies of licentious email transcripts in their face and ask why they brought beer to this meeting - and we capture it all on four cameras! Once the confrontation ends, our team quickly edits the tape into a six minute clip, properly packaged for your local media outlets! Shame and frustration awaits these predators - and your ratings will rise!

Note: due to legal complications, JailByte is unable to provide our services to aid and assist in any legal enforcement effort.

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Sick of how the internet has become a cesspool of cheesy scraped content, thin affiliate marketing pages, porn and gambling websites? Well, step aside, for a new technology has been born: the iInternet, the internet for the internet!

Going back to the origins of the Internet as a place of learning with the free exchange of ideas among enlightened academics, hi-octane scientists and engineers have created a sort of internet for the Internet.

The Internet was very pleased: “FInally, a place to call our own! Now every site I see doesn’t have to be about porn or gambling, or the egocentric solipsistic whinings of privileged technocrats complaining about how awful their life is - how ’bout me! I’m the one that has to listen to all this crap!”

The iInternet was built as a joint project between IBM, Microsoft, Oracle, Sun Microsystems Google and Al Gore. Apple was notably excluded from discussions. The iInternet has been housed within the tesseract of a wormhole and for now is pristine, truly knowledge driven and uncommercial.

But that may change. The Internet was heard mumbling, ‘Great, now how are we going to make money off this?’

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Now the fun of childhood gaming springs into Web 2.0 with TagTagg. Utilizing a community-based social organizational engine, TagTagg’s technological platform allows users to find, identify and classify new blog postings and news items…and then pass the action onto their online friends! Imagine a crowd-sourced approach to item folksonomy coupled with fast-paced online gaming. Now your TagTagging!

For expanded fun, create a “TagTagg team” and attempt to befuddle your online competitors with obscure tag-terms. Find a news item about the newest iPhone, and TagTagg it with the terms “apple,” “core” and “rotten”…and then pass it on to the next team for identification. Chances are they’ll incorrectly identify the link as a recipe for a pie! Tagtagg - they’re it!!

TagTagg works with most browsers and social folksonomies, including DigDigg, DeliDeliciouss and StumbleAgainandAgain. Imbed this code into your blog posts, and let the game begin!

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We take the “social” out of social networking.

Why go through the trouble of creating a secret identity (so your boss won’t know), and then having to port it over from Friendster to Myspace and then to Facebook or whatever flavor of the month social media?

And what about the pain of informing your real friends of your new secret identity, and then the pain of getting your friends to port over as well?

Well, now your worries are over!

After filling out a short form we will create a new secret identity for you, complete with friends, friend comments, interests and more. We will even blog, comment and send out fake party and event notices to all your fake friends.

Be the life of the (virtual) party!

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The virtual world never sleeps. Your avatars are awake and waiting for your next command. Feel a tad guilty when you go to sleep? No one to take care of your avatars while you are gone? Lifeverse to the rescue!

Lifeverse is a 2D world for your 3D characters, a world in which your avatars create avatars in a subverse (did you get that?) for them to play with during the times when you can’t play with them. Never again feel guilty about the 5 hours of “downtime” (sleep) when you are unable to give your avatars direction. Know that your 3rd level warlock is able to direct the actions of a student at Manassas University getting her first roofie at the Chi Delta Delta frat party. When it’s time for you to wake up and play they are ready too! No guilt for your absence since they will be with their electronic pacifier.

Put the POW back in your WOW!

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Forget Twitter, forget IM, forget Skype – it’s time to Toot! Toot is the latest in technology that allows connectivity to your online friends. Based on patented bio-tech implants, Toot allows you to automatically update your health status on the fly! With built-in wireless connectivity, our Toot implants convey relevant biometric information status to our servers, which are then translated into status updates that integrate seamlessly with all social software platforms. Available in English, French, German, Spanish, Russian and Kanji.

Testimonial from a new Toot Subscriber: “Wow - when I first started Tooting, I wasn’t quite comfortable with it. I felt a bit embarassed doing it in public. But now that I got the hang of it, I Toot all day long. Now that I connected this to my Blackberry, I can toot in the elevator, on the subway - even at home, in bed, under the covers. I am not sure what life was like before Tooting - but it’s certainly much better now!”

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A social media/networking/bookmarking aggregator that provides a single sign-on dashboard (using Open ID) for users to access all of their social networking applications. With a robust interface to most major Web 2.0 technologies (including Facebook, LinkedIn, Digg, Delicious, Stumbeleupon, YouTube, Hulu, Twitter and others), and email accounts (including Yahoo, Gmail, MSN, AOL, and others), this AJAX-enabled site is built an a scalable platform that is seamlessly integrated into all major search engines. Search and social combined into one easy-to-use interface.

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Combing the latest in mobile connectivity, Iboo’s platform converges GPS technology with Twitter-like functionality, with frequent updates to your connected community as to your exact location – at any given point in time. Built an a scalable platform, Iboo can be configured to provided second-by-second updates through a micro-blog, and sent to your friends’ mobile devices. Sample:

• 12:04am – in bed, sleeping on left side
• 12:05am – still in bed, turned onto your back
• 12:06am – stirring in bed – cat jumped on bed
• 12:07am – in the bathroom, taking a pee
• 12:08am – back in bed – threw the cat out of the room

These interesting updates can be configured to be sent to any mobile device, iPod touch, PDA, PC, Mac or Linux platform.

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Want to take a break from tweeting? On vacation, or just living a boring life? Roboo will take over your tweets for any set period of time ranging from day, week – or forever! It can adjusted for different settings such as “A cry for help” (otherwise known as “Goth” mode), Plugged in travel warrior (Or “Boyer” mode), Spoken Word Poet (“Wangzen” mode), “Paris Hilton”, and “Get a life” (or “Boring” mode). More settings coming soon!

Ability to scrape Digg, Slate, Technorati, ZNet and more to have current commentary on the hot happenings in your world. Location specific mode available with trip specifications during major holidays.

Able to also detect pauses in twitting so that it can fill in days where you can’t be bothered, or in case of a untimely death. All major credit cards accepted.

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