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In an effort not to be outdone by his democratic rival Barak Obama, John McCain is the angel investor behind a new communication service designed to directly appeal to his core base of Republican Senior Citizens.

“We know elderly senior citizens are aware of the web and sometimes use it,” said an unnamed McCain spokesperson from an undisclosed retirement community, “And not just to look up medication information. Remember, these old people also have lots of money. And they can’t take it with them…”

To reach this key base, the McCain campaign launched an incentive contest to create the best web technology to tap into this potential donor stream. First place was a $30 million prize (2nd place offered a free ride to anywhere in the continental US on the “StraightTalk Express”).

Luckily, the few remaining members of the College Republicans banded together their resources, and were quickly able to create FeedTube. FeedTube is a senior-friendly video/audio streaming application - complete with large web buttons for easy use and audio at 200% normal volume. McCain staff will be able to easily upload content - from standard traditional sources such as TV, cassette recorders and even eight-track - to an online platform.

Then, a team edits the content into a senior-friendly format - long, rambling edits that often wax poetic about the Great Depression, horse-drawn carriages and the Industrial Revolution. The final audio/video project is then transmistted not only online (through the FeedTube website), but also broadcast to senior homes throughout the country directly, for viewing.

“FeedTube allows us to feed this information directly to our target base,” said another unnamed spokesperson for the McCain campaign, “Sometimes these seniors have difficulty understanding - or swallowing - the political rhetoric. FeedTube allows us to easily stuff this information deep down into their gullets with no risk of them throwing it back up at us.”

It is noted that implementation of FeedTube within retirement homes and hospices must be done by licensed medical professionals.

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Friday Fishwrap: What we like on the web. This animation on Social Networking sites highlights what is fucking retarded silly about the whole Social Networking thang. It’s funny. Czechit:

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Websites today have become an annoyance - there is just too much content packed into a single page layout: display ads on the right hand side, annoying sponsor ads across the top of the page, confusing navigation on the left hand side and unverified content in the middle. It’s enough to give us all a headache.

Luckily, there is a solution…

Introducing White Space, an add on to every major supported browser, that allows users to liberate themselves from all this irritating webcontent, and surf the web in peace and tranquility. Here’s how it works:

After installing White Space, the application will automatically lay patented white filters over all content on your browser to “white it away”…and that’s all….now surfing can be light and free again.

White Space…

Peace and Tranquility…

Peace of Mind…

White Space

Typical Website Screenshot when using White Space

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(Concept submitted by Tim Buck)

The company that brought you the SIMcrime game and the ever-popular sequel, SIMprison, now introduce the newest MMOG experience - Death Row!

“Beta-tested in our Federal prison system for the past five years, I think we’re ready to release this hot gaming platform to the public,” says Dirk Dirkwheed, CEO of DOA Games, “Our existing players are eager to interact with others ‘outside the walls,’ so to speak.”

The gaming experience is similar to the ever-popular Second Life, where players create an avatar and outfit them with a variety of hairstyles, tattoos and body piercings, along with one of five styles of body suits. The avatar is then quickly placed in solitary confinement in a massive online prison system. With nothing but a dark jail cell around them, and no interaction with other players, the gaming experience quickly drives players to reflect on their solitude and the actions they have done.

Occasional interactions with jailors (moderators) are slowly introduced to the gaming experience, where bits of virtual food and bibles are shoved under the door. “We’re really excited by the game - online players are used to sitting and staring for long periods of time,” said Dirk, “We expect this game to be huge!”

Eventually, the game play evolves into challenging users to break out of jail, where they could begin interacting with other players. Some are actual incarcerated felons, and they can guide you into other dark environments in the game.

Dirkwheed went on to explain that future expansion packs will offer lawyers the ability to “practice” their techniques on existing gamers, and the much-anticipated Electric Chair expansion kit.

Expect Death Row to hit the shelves just in time for the Christmas shopping season this year!

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Forget Ruby on Rails, forget Groovy, forget .NET or Java - straight out of the open-source community comes Saasy - a new development language created exclusively for web-based applications. Utilizing best-practices taken from Service Oriented Architecture (SOA) platforms, streamed down for optimal online use on any framework, SassY is cool hip, and smart. All the hottest new developers are using it.

“My good friend, a web developer, is using Saasy to his advantage,” commented Tommy Hilfiger at his Spring 2008 showing, “he’s exuding confidence, and style like no other developer…his clothes even match! Since he became exposed to SaaSy, he’s a new man!”

With SaaSy, development times are cut in half. This is due, in part, to the fact that all SaaSy development code is compacted into neat, little bundles that look very fashionable, especially when worn with a sash or argyle sweaters. Implementing SaaSy into a daily development cycle frees up coders to spend less time behind computer screens, and more time to spend shopping for trendy clothes and socializing at nightclubs.

“There is no Flash when you learn to use SaaSy,” says Cojo (Steven Cojocaru), self-proclaimed “style guru” and fashion reporter for Entertainment Tonight,  “Now, all my coder ‘male-friends’ are coding in their own style - it’s fabulous!”

While only a few people in the development community openly admit to knowing SaaSy, the trend is changing. New organizations, such as the American Styling Single Leaders Of Very Expedient Redevelopment in SaaSy, are bringing SaaSy out to the fore-front, and more and more developers are embracing this new life-style as an acceptable way of coding.

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Have you ever been irritated by that online friend who waits minutes before responding to your Instant Messages? Never fear - YooRYoo is pleased to introduce Stryke. This IM add-on seemlessly integrates with any IM application (Yahoo. MSN, Jabber, iChat, gchat and even good old-fashioned IRC), monitoring IM responses. Any friend who doesn’t respond to your IM within 30 seconds notifies our dedicated team of internet hackers…er, specialists, who bombard their computer with a suite of the latest worms, viruses and trojans.

Stryke also comes with a dashboard application, allowing you an instant global view of all your friends, and their average responses times. We can also track their email responses, and updates on your Facebook wall. Integrating this dashboard, you can launch virtual attacks on the slow-responders in your address book. Mathew Broderick never had such a sophisticated approach to his War Games!

Go pro and get access to our Storming Norton package which uses the Norton Anti-spyware update system to automagically generate a virus which is one step ahead of anything on the net! This subscription service can easily pay for itself when you integrate the “Pay-Pal-Pilfer” add-on.

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Dedd is a place for people to discover and bury dead content from anywhere on the web. From the biggest online destinations to the most obscure blog, Dedd buries the oldest, least relevant and least popular stuff as voted on by our users.Think of it as the Google of…well, just think of it as Google.

“I was doing research for a paper I was writing,” says student Arla Krapsmackle, “What I didn’t realize was that the 1st article returned was written in 1992, totally irrelevant.”

The vast majority of stuff on the web is irrelevant, outdated, or just plain stupid. Search Engine Optimization (SEO) experts have taken over the web, ranking websites higher than some well-respected government and educational websites where very relevant information can be had.

Well, now there is a place to stuff all those pages: Dedd. When you come across a page that is not relevant to your search, or is stupid, or you disagree with, or is just plain dumb - you have the option to Deddit. Click that Dedd icon and bury that mother in the Dedd archives. With enough votes you will never have to see that site come up in Google, Yahoo or Live.com ever again!

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In a surprise announcement at the World Wide Clock Manufacturing (WWCM) conference, Steve Jobs’s keynote revealed Apple’s plan to enter into the time-providing industry with the upcoming release of iclock. Built on the ever-popular Shuffle form factor, iclock is designed to provide exclusive updates to the time (as well as hold up to 1 hour of music). To receive updates to time, users will have to subscribe through iTunes to receive AAIC content time content. These unique feeds allows users to fast-forward through unpopular hours (8:00am on Monday mornings) to the time they desire (5:00pm on Friday).

“Apple is delivering reality to the old adage ‘It’s 5′clock somewhere’…with the iclock, it really can be 5 o’clock ANYWHERE.” said Jobs, “The days of boring meetings are over - iclock can take you right to the time you want, whenever you want it.”

In addition to delivering standard hour/min/sec updates, the iclock can be configured to deliver audible voice-overs from well-known celebrities. With the initial release, artists such as Metallica, REM and Madonna have already agreed to lend their voices to the iclock.

In a quick response to this announcement, Coldplay has already announced plans to release DRM-free time updates via their website, available for download - at whatever the price users think fair.

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Web 2.0 technology has created a new and improved presidential candidate, dubbed Obama2.0. The hierarchical, top down administration has been combined with the advantages of social networking and grass roots support and fundraising.

It was determined (through a series of exhaustive online surveys) that the candidate be multi-racial, liberal, very well-spoken, highly educated, with just a smattering of negatives to make him feel more real and less plastic than John Edwards. From YouTube endorsements (I’ve got a crush on Obama) to celebrity endorsements ( Scarlett Johansen) the story of Web 2.0 technology Obama2.0 is like something out of a Silicon Valley think tank. Which he is.

Expected to poll well in a variety of communities - both online and in real-life, Obama2.0 is a “mash-up” of previous presidential candidates, including John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, and Jimmy Carter. This real-life avatar expects to be downloaded heavily in November, in full expectation of it’s initial release.

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In a unique partnership between five major online social software platforms, the newly formed conglomerate MyGooglyFaceSpaceNewsCorp has already announced plans to release a major software application before the end of the year. Entitled, MyFaceLift, this unique application is designed to “scrape” all major social software applications, looking for new updates in statuses, interests, etc. These updates are then tagged and categorized in a massive database with unique timestamp indicators.

By a subscription service, users of MyFaceLift input a few key socio-economic indicators into a master-template, and then sit back and let MyFaceLift do the rest.

“Unlike most Web 2.0 companies, we have actually built this application with a revenue stream in mind,” said an un-named spokesperson for MyGoogleFaceSpaceNewsCorp, “we plan on selling all personal data we collect to online advertisers - particularly spammers”

“But, it’s important to note,” he went on, “that our users profiles will be the freshest, hippest and coolest on the web. There is no price for that kind of glory.”

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